635 
62 

y 1 



NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



B7\hER'3 Edition 
or PLnY3 





THE GRANGER 




COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY WALT6R H. BAKER & CO. 



piays for /Amateur 5t?eatrieals. 

BV GEORGE T^Z. BKKEF2, j 

Author of "Amateur Dramas," "The Mimic Stage!' "The Social Stage," "The Drawing' 
Room Stage" "Handy Dramas" "The Exhibition Dramas" "A Baker's Dozen" etc, I 

Titles in tliis Type are New Plays. 

Titles in this Type are Temperance Plays, i 



DRAMAS. 

In Four A cis. 
Better than Oold. 7 male, 4 female 
char ..25 

In Three Acts. 

Onr Folks. 6 male, 5 female char. . 15 

The Flower of the Family. 5 
male, 3 female char 15 

Enlisted for the War. 7 male, 3 fe- 
male char 15 

My Brother's Keeper, 5 male, 3 fe- 
male char 15 

TUe Idtt/e Urown Jug. 5 male, 3 
female char. ....,.•«. 15 

In Two Acts. 
Above the CloadA. 7 male, 3 female 

char. . 15 

One Hundred Tears Ag^o. 7 male, 

4 female char 15 

Among the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female 

char. 15 

Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 female 

char 15 

Down by the Sea. 6 male, 3 female 



char. 



15 



Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female char. 15 
The Last Ijoaf. 5 male, 3 female char. 15 

In One Act. 
Stand by the Flag. 5 male char. . . 15 
The Tempter. 3 male, i female char. 15 

COMEDIES AND FARCES. 

A. Mysterious Disappearance. 4 

male, 3 female char 15 

Paddle Tour Own Canoe. 7 male 

3 female char. . , IS 

A. Drop too Much. 4 male, > female 

char 15 

A. lAttle More Cider, % male, 3 fe- 
male char 15 

A Thorn Among the Roses. 2 male, 6 

female char 15 

Nevkr .Say Die. 3 male, 3 female char. 15 
Seeing the Elephant. 6 male, 3 female 

char 15 

The Boston Dip. 4 male, 3 female char. 15 
The Duchess of Dublin. 6 male, 4 fe- 
male char 'S 

Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 

4 male, 3 female char " *5 

We're all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 fe- 
male char. »S 

Male Characters Only. 

A Close Shavk. 6 char • • J5 

A Public Benefactor. 6 char. ... 15 

A Sea op Troubles. 8 char 15 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 



COMEDIES, etc., continued. 

Male Characters Only. i 

A Tender Attachment. 7 char. . . Ij'S 
Coals OF Fire. 6 char. ...... 'S 

Freedom of the Press. 8 char. ... '5 

Shall Our Mothers Votf? 11 char. 15 
Gentlemen OF THE Jury. 12 char. . . 'S 
Humors of the Strike. 8 char. . . . >? 

My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . . . "S 

New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . »S 

The Great Elixir. 9 char IS 

Thk Hypochondriac. 3 char '5 

The Man with the Demijohn. 4 

char ..'....'S 

The Runaways. 4 char 'S 

The Thief OF Time. 6 char xs 

Wanted, a Male Cook. 4 char. ... 15 

Female Characters Only. 

A Love of a Bonnet. 5 char 'S 

A Precious Pickle. 6 char «S 

No Cure No Pay. 7 char 'S 

The Champion of Her Sbx. 8 char. . iS 

The Greatest Plague IN Life. 8 char. »S 

The Grecian Bend. 7 char 'S 

The Red Chignon. 6 char '5 

Using the Weed. 7 char 



ALLZGORIES. 

Arranged/or Music and Tableaux, 

Lighthart's Pilgrimage. 8 female f 
char 15 

The Revolt of the Bees. 9 female 
char. 15 

The Sculptor's Triumph, i male. 4 fe- 
male char 15 

The Tournament of Idylcourt. 10 fe-| 
male char J 15 

The War OF the Roses. 8 female char./ 15 

The Voyage of Life. 8 female char. . 15 

MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC 

An Original Idea, t male, i femal 
Bonbons; or, the Paint King. 6 male 

I female char 2<; 

Capuletta; or, Romeo and Juliet 15 

Restored. 3 male, i female char. • 15 

Santa Claus' Frolics 15 

Snow-bound; or, Alonzo the Bravr4 

AND THE Fair Imogene. 3 male, 

female char 4 *S 

The Merry Christmas of the Oli 

Woman who Lived in a Shob< 
The Pkdler of Very Nice. 7 mal 

char 

The Seven Ages. A Tableau Entertain 

ment. Numerous male and female char . 15 
Too Late for the Train. 2 male chaj •. 15 
The Visions of Freedom, ii femai 

char. 



23 Winlfer St„ Boston. 



M, 



THE GRANGER 



OR 



CAUGHT IN HIS OWN TRAP 



Ji ^iniuulvi in ^hvj^c ^jcts 



BY 



/ 



DAVID HILL 

AUTHOR OF " FORCED TO THE WAR," " OUT OF HIS SPHERE," " BOUND 
BY AN OATH," " PLACER GOLD," ETC. 



5il5.o 







CHARACTERS. 



JOHN HAYMAKER . A wealthy Maine farmer, land owner, etc., 

k}iown as " The Granger " 
CALEB GUSHING . . Country farmer and neighbor to Haytnaker 

RICHARD MASON Minnie's lover 

ISAAC GREENLY Haymaker's house servant 

NEWSBOY. 

BOOTBLACK. 

POLICEMAN. 

BARKEEPER. 

THREE BUNCO MEN. 

LOAFERS, Etc. 

MARTHA HAYMAKER .... John Haymaker's wife 

MINNIE HAYMAKER .... John Haymaker's daughter 



PROPERTIES. 

ACT I. 

ScENK I. — Gun, g-ame-bag, and crow for Richard. 

Scene 2. — Gun and game-ban:. • 

Scene 3. — Furniture for sitting-room. Old-fashioned valise, containing 
wig, farmer's frock, cowhide boots, broad-brimmed hat, etc., for an old- 
fashioned farmer. Also, two steel traps with long silverplated cliains 
attached to ring which goes around neck and under coat collar. 

ACT II. 

Scene i . — Stool, blacking and brush for bootblack. Papers for newsboy. 
Check for bunco men; and same properties for Haymaker as m Act 1., 
Scene 3. 

Scene 2. — Bar, glasses, bottles, decanter, etc. Disguises for Minnie and 
Richard. Valise for Haymaker. 

Scene 3. — Table with dishes, coffee-pot, food, paper containing powder, 
etc. False face, sign, books, valise, etc. 

ACT III. 
Scene 2. — Same as in Act I. 
Scene 3. — Disguises tor Richard and Minnie. 




Copyright, 1890, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



SYNOPSIS. 

ACT I. 

Scene I. — Highway. Agriculture discussed. Farming a trade. "It 
takes more good, sound, common sense to run a farm successfully than 
it does a national bank." Steel traps. How to catch pickpockets. A 
good shot. Evolution. Gushing not to be convinced. " I won't believe 
that I originated from a monkey, although I may bear a slrikin' resem- 
blance tu one." Isaac as an informer. Hard to hear. " IMeaster Hay- 
maker, dom it! woolye stop that dinging and come here?" 

SCEN'E II. — Highway. Tlie lovers. Philopened. The penalty two kisses. 
Caught in tlie ac:. " Well, young man, when 3'fni are satisfied, please 
give me your attention." Wager between Richard and Haj'maker. " I 
will wager that you will be outwitted at your own game inside of a 
month; and your daughter's hand shall pay the penalty if I win." 
" And if you lose? " " If I lose, I will never trouble you or your daugh- 
ter again." The acceptance. 

Scene III. — Interior of Haymaker's house. Haymaker's peculiarities 
discussed. Richard unfolds his plan to Mrs. Haymaker and Minnie. 
They join him in the plot to outwit Haymaker. Oft to the city. 

ACT 11. 

Scene I. — City street. Haymaker disguised as a "Granger." Lots of 
fun. Taken for a greenhorn. New kind of game. Baiting the trap. 
How the pickpockets were caught. " Feel at this moment jest like 
speakin' in meetin', don't ye? " Held in tow. Off to the " tavern." 

Scene II. — City liar-room. How Haymaker fooled the crowd. Releasing 
the pickpockets. Parting advice. " When you pick up another Granger 
on the street, don't take him for a pumpkin until you have tested the 
rind." How tlie traps were worked. Tough yarns. Richard and 
Minnie disguised as musicians. The song. Charity. " A few pennies, 
please." Evolution. " Yengster, jest lead the way tu them there 
books." 

Scene HI. — floom in tenement house. Haymaker argues upon evolution. 
The supper. Second argument. The drugged coffee. Haymaker- 
falls asleep. Richard happy. " Hurrah! we together have outwitted 
John Haymaker." How tlie' joke was carried out. The false face and 
sign. Minnie's keepsake. Haymaker caught in his own traps. 

ACT III. 

.Scene I. — Country highway. Meeting between Haymaker and Gushing. 
Haymaker ugly. "You're an old, meddlesome, wizzled, knock-kneed, 
and dried-up jackass." Gushing astonished. " Wa'all, I swow ! I'll 
be biowed if I ever seed Haymaker like that afore." 

ScENii II. — Room in Haymaker's house same as in Act I. Waiting for 
Haymaker. "O, my! tliere is father coming now." Crestfallen but 
spunky. Haymaker's explanation. His admiration for those who 
outwitted him. " If they would confess, I would give them a tliousand 
dollars and a position 'for life." Taken at his word. Richard and 
Minnie again disgui.se and appear before Haymaker as in the city. 
The song. Haymaker dumfounded. " Well, it's beginning to dawn 
upon me that I'm a confounded old fool." Fulfilling the contract. 
Haymaker's closing words. " Though I still advocate the theory of 
evolution, and am still willing to sustain my sentiments at all times and 
places, it never again shall be the principal tool to catch John Haymaker 
in his own trap." 



THE GRANGER. 



ACT I. 



Scene I. — A field with high fence running across stage 
down centre. Landscape in the distance representiitg 
the White Mountains. A path entei's L. I. E., and off R. 
Time, 7norning. As curtain rises, John Haymaker, 
who is in front of fence, is seen conversing with Caleb 
CUSHING, who is upon opposite side. 

Caleb. Wa'all, I s'pose I might ez well own right up 
that the fault is mine. Howsumever, I never wern'tgood for 
nuthin' else, so tuk tu farmin'. 

Haymaker, Hold on, Caleb, hold on right there. It takes 
more good, sound, common sense to run a farm successfully 
than it does a national bank. The remark, " He is fit for 
nothing only a farmer," is idiotic. It means, the way it is 
applied, that a man who is good for nothing else, can run a 
farm. I say he can't. Say ! look here ; who make the best 
generals ? Men who have attended a military school, and 
who have had experience in the field. Who make the best 
sea-captains ? Men who have studied the chart, the stars, the 
currents of the ocean, and who have worked before the 
mast. Who make the best farmers ? I will answer that 
too. Men who have studied the soil, the growth of plants, 
nature of grasses ; what soil is best adapted for certain seeds ; 
when to sow and when to reap ; and who are posted in the 
markets and the value of their products. Isn't farming a 
trade, Caleb ? 

Caleb. It may be, John. I know we started in life with 
about the same amount o' capital, an' bought farms jinin' 
each other; but while I've got all the chaff an' stubble, 
you've reaped the fat o' the land, live well, an' look purty 
considerable hale an' hearty. 

Hay. Weigh two hundred pounds, Caleb, before dinner. 
Look at me now. Strong and robust, muscles like iron, 
form well knit and put together, and a pretty fair sample of 



6 THE GRANGER, 

the typical down-east farmer. Ain't I, though ? {^Showing 
hi7n self off.) Look me over and see. Now, Caleb, do you 
want to know why I have succeeded ? 

Caleb. Wa'all, 1 don't mind a-listenin', John, seein' ez 
how you are willin' tu tell me. 

Hay. Very well. You remember when we attended 
school together ? 

Caleb. Remember? Crackee ! kin I forget the happiest 
days o' my life? Why, them times are fastened on tu my 
mind jest like bark on tu a tree. I couldn't forget 'em if I 
would. 

Hay. Well, what did you learn ? When our school- 
days were finished, I had mastered a thorough business 
education, and you — well — er — er — where were you, 
Caleb ? 

Caleb (^scratching his head). Wa'all, near ez I kin 
cakerlate, I wus a-hangin' around addition purty nigh tu 
where I started. 

Hay. Exactly. Well, with my education finished, I 
served an apprenticeship of three years with an experienced 
farmer. You worked around at odd jobs. We bought farms 
adjoining ; same number of acres, same quality of soil ; in 
fact, no choice between them. What has been the result ? 

Caleb. Purty nigh all my land has jined partnership 
with yourn, an' the rest is plastered all over with a mort- 
gage. 

Hay. Correct again. You have run your farm as you 
did your studies. That is, without thought or calculation. 
I'll bet you don't know the market value of butter to-da}', 

Caleb. No need on't, John, seein' ez how one cow is 
farrer, an' t'other one is purty nigh on tu being dry. 

Hay. Correct once more. Well, from the moment I got 
the deed of my farm I went to work to improve it. I 
systematized my work ; repaired and improved ; made every 
moment count; read agricultural papers; watched the 
march of enterprise ; grasped at new ideas ; kept posted in 
the market — 

Caleb. An' sold everything for cash, an' at the highest 
price. 

Hay. I did, Caleb, and seldom waited for a rise. Why, 
some nien hold an article for an extra cent until they lose 
ten. Hold potatoes at eighty cents for eighty-five, and then 
sell at fifty. Keep new hops until they are old, and then 
sell for second quality. Butter the same, and also eggs. 
Now I always take the market price and let her slide. To- 
daj, Caleb, I am one of the largest land-owners in Maine, 



THE GRANGER. 7 

Have money in bonds, at interest, and in the banks. Look 
here ! {Takes rolls of money from his different pockets^ I 
carry it all about me — rolls of it. It don't make me penu- 
rious, either. 1 believe in being both generous and accom- 
modating. I enjoy pleasures, too ; pleasures to my own 
liking. Why, in the cities I dress odd, appear green, am 
called a Granger, a hayseed, and all that, and then, at the 
proper moment, I haul out this roll of bills and see them 
stare. Ha ! ha ! ha ! I like to see them stare, Caleb. 

Caleb. I've heerd ye joke over your exploits a heap o' 
times, John ; but I cakerlate some time you'll get cum up with. 
Money scattered around loosely is a mighty temptation, an' 
some one'll steal it sometime when you don't know it. 

Hay. Ha ! ha ! ha ! catch John Haymaker napping, eh 1 
I guess not. I'm used to the ways of thieves and pick- 
pockets, and I love to tempt them. Ever noticed those 
chains of mine ? 

Caleb. Them two big silver ones ez you sometimes 
wear around your neck ? Yes, I've seen 'em a heap o' 
times. 

Hay. Well, attached to those chains are two steel traps. 
Those traps are set and placed in my outside pockets. I 
show rolls of money to a crowd, jam it into false pockets in 
the ones containing the traps, grow careless, and then wait 
the results. Ha ! ha ! I give pickpockets all the chance 
they want, Caleb, all the chance they want, 

Caleb. Yes : but you'll get cum up with some time, or 
Caleb Cushing is no prophet. 

Hay. Oh, I've travelled, Caleb, and am familiar with 
crooks of all descriptions. I go to Boston to-night. That 
puts me in mind of an incident that happened the last time I 
was there. I was walking along Tremont Street in the 
evening, when all of a sudden I heard the whir-r-r-r-r of an 
electric burglar's alarm. I rushed down the street, and had 
just got opposite tlie block, when — {Gun heard off L., and 
dead crow falls from above, hitting Haymaker on the 
head.') Thunder ! (Richard runs in from L.) Look 
here, young man, do you handle all weapons in like careless 
manner .-* 

Richard. Beg pardon, sir ; the gun was pointed up, not 
down. The charge went several feet above you. 

Hay. Yes : but I might as well be shot to death as 
knocked in the head. It is only a matter of taste. Then," 
again, shooting crows is bad business. 

Rich. I always considered it a blessing to destroy as 
jnany crows as possibly. 



5 THE GRANGER. 

Hay. a wrono; idea. Ever examine the crop of a crow 
that had haunted a corn-field? I have. To one kernel of 
corn were eleven wire-worms. Wire-worms destroy more 
corn in- one season than all the crows that visit the field. I 
tell you, the crow is the farmer's friend, but the farmer don't 
realize it. 

Caleb. Wa'all, I'll be blowed if you ain't the fust pusson 
I ever see'd ez ud argefy for a crow. You kin hev 'em, 
■John, hev 'em all, an' I'll cling to the worms. Anyhow, 
that vvus a purty good shot, seein' ez how the bird was piirty 
well up. 

Rich. Half the credit is due to the gun. A good gun, 
with quick, true aim, should wing game at a long distance. 
Give me a bird well up and rocketing over upon the wind : 
no fun to bag a fowl on the roost. Good-day, gentlemen, I 
will remove the dead from the field. (J^icks tip crow and 
exit R. I. E.) 

Caleb. Purty bright young man, John. An ornament to 
the bank in which he works, an' a good match for your darter. 

Hay. No, sir ; far from it. The influence that places a 
man in position, does not always qualify him for the position 
he holds. The young man is bright, witty, intelligent, and 
honest: no doubt about that. Still, his habits are not 
formed. He prefers sporting to filling out checks ; racing 
the woods to keeping book accounts. Give me a farmer 
with rough hands and a business brain in place of a bank- 
clerk with a white tie and fickle disposition. I oppose the 
match because the young man is unsettled in his habits. 

Caleb. Wa'all, it's purty evident he's settled on one 
thing ; an' that is, he's in love with your darter. An' I'll be 
bound he'll hev her, banks or no banks. 

Hay. Not if I can avoid it. I forbade him tlie house the 
last time he was there. If he disobeys my command, he 
shall find out that the word of John Haymaker is law. 

Caleb. An' the result will be purty nigh on tu the same 
ez in your own case years ago. I kin remember when your 
wife wus let out of a tu-story winder with a rope ; an' a 
chase through one town an' tu counties didn't bring her 
back, either. 

Hay. Well, well, the case was different, entirely diflferent. 

Caleb. Wa'all, I can't arge with ye, 'cause I ain't smart 
enough ; but if I wus tu arge, I should say you wus ez sot 
on the matter ez on some others. You sorter behave, ye 
know, that man sprung from monkeys. Believe it tu sech an 
extent, that, when you get tu going, tu judges and a Meth- 
odist minister couldn't stop ye or change your opinion, 



THE GRAXGKU. 9 

Hay. Just so. Why ? Because I am correct. Evolu- 
tion is a rock upon which many a man has split ; but with 
me, it is a foundation upon which I remain steadfast and 
immovable. I believe in it. 

Caleb. Wa'all, that may be all right for you ; but it cums 
no cluseT tu me than the stone did which Mrs. Peasley threw 
at the dog. I ain't proud 'cause I ain't. Still, I don't want 
no monkey a-shoutin' from the top of some hand-organ, an' 
a-savin,' '■ But for me, what would humanity hev been ? " "It 
wouldn't sot well, John. 

Hay. And why? Because you have not looked at the 
matter critically. You, no doubt, believe with the North- 
landers, that man was formed from a piece of wood found 
floating on the sea; or like Hesiod, that he sprung from a 
race of giants ; or Anaximander, that he was engendered from 
beings of a different form ; or Anaxagoras, that he originated 
from the fecundation of the earth. Perhaps you beHeve 
with Nason, that — • 

^Caleb. H-h-hold on, John. You're a-gettin' me ez mud- 
dled as a pig wound up in a hoop-skirt. Blest if I know one 
of them fellers you've mentioned. Never met 'em anywheres. 
Anyhow, they kin think jest what they please, an' I'll du the 
same. Now I believe that man originated jest ez is laid 
down in the fust chapters of Genesis ; an' if it hadn't a-been 
for Eve an' that pesky old sarpint, I'm a-thinkin' we should 
be jest a-wadin' in milk an' honey tu-day, an' ez happy ez a 
clam in its native element. 

Hay. That biblical theory, Caleb, can't be proved. It is 
overruled by science ; overruled by geology ; and overruled 
by observation and inquiry. {Enter Isaac, r. i e. He 
should be a little, tliin, wrinkled old man, with squeaky voice 
and red hair.) Science has traced m.an back through innu- 
merable ages, far beyond the period of Genesis, and from 
the beginning down has found him developing according to 
the established rules of evolution. 

Isaac {speaking r. i e.). Measter Haymaker. 

Hay. {not hearing). Even to-day the relation existing 
between man, reptiles, birds, and animals is still discernible. 
Man and the lower brutes are frequently excited by the same 
emotions ; while all animals show a power of reasoning that 
is truly wonderful. 

Isaac {louder). I say, Measter Haymaker! 

Hay. {not heeding). Tliere also is a wonderful affinity 
existing between man and plants. Plants, like man, are 
affected by light and darkness ; sleep at night : subsist, at 
least many of them, upon animal food; and in some cases 
are possessed with the powers of digestion. 



10 THE GRANGER. 

Isaac {still louder). Measter Haymaker, woolye be 
quiet and come here ? 

Hay. {continuing). Dive into the carbonif — 

Caleb {ijtterrtipting). John, Isaac is a-shoutin' tu ye 
like murder. 

Hay. {turning upon Isaac sharply). What the devil do 
you want .'' 

Isaac. Dom it, mon ! I want thee to come here — that's 
wiiat a' want. 

Hay. {crossitig to Isaac). Well, now explain why you 
have left the house without orders. 

Isaac. Ees, zur ; I will do that vor zartain. Here ! I do 
be getten at it thic way — at your zarvice. When cows ha' 
gotten into the corn, thee would drive them out — wouldn't 
thee, now ? 

Hay. Well ! 

Isaac. If thee vi^ere a flagman, and zaw two trains in a 
tightest place — meeting on the zame track, as 'twur, what 
would thee do, now, zay ? 

Hay. Why, swing a red flag, of course. 

Isaac. Woo'ee do that, though ? Zure enough. Well, 
there be not much difference between two trains and 
Meastress Minnie and Measter Richard. 

Hay. What are you trying to explain ? 

Isaac. Dang it! thee be dull as a hoe. Didn't I zee 
Measter Richard go down the path i' thic way ? {Pointing 
it out on the palm of his hand.) And didn't I zee Meas- 
tress Minnie coming up from the house i' thic way .'' And 
— Well, thee would know the result like I, wouldn't thee, 
now ? 

Hay. Aha ! obeying my orders, eh ? Good enough ! 
Here ! you take the path around the hill to the right, and I 
will swing around to the left. By this means we shall not 
miss them where the two paths branch off. If you find them 
on your side, cross over and inform me. Caleb, we will finish 
that argument at another time. {Exit R. i E.) 

Caleb. Isaac, my advice is, not tu see too much unless 
you can't help it. 

Isaac. A' knows that zecret by heart, zur. There be an 
understanding between us — Meastress Minnie and mysel, 
d'ye zee .'' Eef there be things before {pointing toward L.) 
as I shouldn't be zeeing — why, drabbit it! I whiztles a bit, 
then turns I around so {faces R.), and dom the thing do I 
know what happens, Good-by, zur. {Exit R. i E. as ^cene 
closes in.) 



THE GRANGER,' II 



Scene II. — Highway. Minnie and Richard discovered. 

Richard. And you saw me coming over the hill ? 

Minnie. Over the hill, Richard ; and knowing you were 
prohibited from visiting the house, I caught up my hat and 
rushed down the path to meet you. 

Rich; Which shows you are a girl of good taste. Do 
you know, I made a desperate shot over yonder ? 

Mm. Nothing dangerous, I hope .'' 

Rich. Oh, no, only to myself I dropped a crow on the 
wing up where the choke-cherry bushes entangle the fence. 
Rushing out to intercept it, I nearly fell into your father's 
arms, while the crow took him squarely on top of the head. 
I was not aware of his presence until the gun was dis- 
charged. 

MiN. What did he say ? 

Rich. Oh, he set me up for a minute, then, with Caleb 
for a listener, branched out into a lecture on crowolog}-, 
during which I very gracefully bowed myself out of his 
presence. 

MiN. Caleb was there, then .'' 

Rich. Yes ; they were talking across the line fence just 
— well, just as we should over the garden gate, you know. 
Confound it ! I am not of much value in the eyes of your 
father, am I .'' However, I may take a rise sometime, and 
then — 

MiN. And then? 

Rich. I may be of more value in the eyes of his daughter. 
■ Mm. Oh, Richard, you know I overestimate you already. 
No, no, I don't mean that. I mean — 

Rich. Ha ! ha ! a true confession at last. Oh, don't try 
to change it, or you will only make it worse. Here ! hold 
this game-bag a moment while I weigh the import of your 
words. {Js\\^^\K takes game-bag.^ Philopene ! 

Mm. {dropping bag). Oh, how mean ! There ! I will 
never speak to you again, never ! Dear me ! What made 
you take advantage of me so .'' Why, I wouldn't have been 
philopened for the world. 

Rich, {slowly picking tip ba^. Let's see; the one who 
philopened the other was to name the penalty, I believe ? 

Mm. {snappishly'). I suppose so. 

Rich. Well, I shall claim two kisses, and the debt must 
be paid at once. 

Mm. I won't pay it, there ! {Starts to run.) 

KiQH. {catching hold of her). Oh, yes, you will too. And 



12 THE GRANGER. 

I shall claim one extra for starting to run away. Come ! 
pay the debt quickly, or I shall claim double interest. 
(Minnie kisses Richard Just as Isaac enters r. i. e. 
Seeing them he speaks qitickly.') 

Isaac. Zure, zee hawk as stole Measter Haymaker's 
chickens do be zailing above us at this moment. I declare, 
he do conduct himzelf r%andzomely. There ! now he turns 
himzelf around zo {turns around and faces R.), and starts 
straight for the barn again, zure enough. 

Rich. Well, follow it with j'our eyes until out of sight, 
and then go for it. 

Isaac. Thank ye, zur : it do be a hornet's nest here soon 
if thee be not flying thyzel. Thy feylher, Minnie, all cocked 
and primed, do be coming around t'other hill. 

MiN. Oh, Richard, run quick, while I hasten to the 
house. Father must not see us together. 

Rich. Wait, I must have that other kiss. Quick! and 
then I will dart down the hill like a sky-rocket. 

MiN. Oh, I darsen't. 

Isaac {still looking off^. Gi' him thy kiss, child, and let 
the fool go. Dom it ! like all lovers, he do be too unreason- 
able to go until zatisfied, anyhow. 

MiN. Then be quick, or we shall certainly be found 
together. 

Rich. Well, then, here goes. {Kisses Iter jitst as Hay- 
maker enters L. i E. He watches them a moment withotit 
speaking. Pictiirei) 

Haymaker {sarcastically'). Well, young man, when you 
are satisfied, please give me your attention. 

MiN. \(starting back in S7irprise J together). Oh! 

Rich. \ Really, sir, I — 

Isaac {confused). Dash it ! that do be the domnedest 
hawk — 

Hay. Isaac, cross over here. 

Isaac {crossijig over). Ees, zur: I be your znrvint, zur. 

Hay. Yes, and a faithful one too. Have you any 
explanations to make ? 

Isaac. Noa, zur: thee did zee it all thyzel, didn't thee ? 

Hay. Exactly ; and without any of your assistance. 
Were you hired to assume the position you were taking.'' 

Isaac. Zure, could I turn backward wi'out turning I 
around ? I be not turtle built, zur, noa, zur. Then — 
hoping as how thee wilt not take it unkindly — when I do 
be around, zame as you zaw me, zur, how woo I knpw the 
tricks them two woo be playing ? 

Hay. That will do. Begone \ 



THE GRANGER. I 3 

Isaac {shuffling across stage). Ees, zur. {Aside.) I 
be domned lucky to get off zo easily. {Exit L. i e.) 

Hay. {after a pause). Well, have you two anything to say ? 
Any excuses to make over the little tableau I have been an 
unwelcome witness to ? 

MiN. Oh, father, blame me if you will, but do not 
include Richard. It was I wlT#disobeyed by coming here. 

Hay. No doubt of it. Two needles attracted by the 
same magnet. What has that to do with the tableau, eh ? 

Rich. I will explain, sir. There wasa philopene pledged 
be I ween us, which, by accident, I won. The penalty was 
two kisses, which I claimed, and was about to receive, 
when — 

Hay. When the little seance was suddenly brought to a 
sad termination by the appearance of a third party: or, I 
might say, fourth, as it is plainly evident that the third was 
obsolete. Gad ! kisses are very sweet penalties, very. Miss 
Haymaker, you may go to the house. 

MiN. You will not blame Richard, father ? 

Hay. Do as I command you. (Minnie exit R. i e.) 
Well, sir, after ordering you from the house, you take this 
method to disobey my commands and insult my daughter. 

Rich. I have not disobeyed you, sir, in that I have not 
been to the house. I have not insulted your daughter, 
because I love her, and an honest kiss passed between two 
lovers is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Hay. You love my daughter, eh ? A very frank admis- 
sion, I must confess. Then you are not ashamed over 
what has just transpired ? 

Rtch. No, sir, I am not. I will say, instead, that I am 
proud to have received a kiss from so honorable and upright 
a t'irl as the daughter of John Haymaker. 

Hay. {aside). Well, well, the boy knows something, after 
all. {Aloud.) Just so; but refusing you the house is a direct 
intimation that you are not wanted, is it not ? 

Rich. By you, yes : but not by your daughter. 

Hay. Well, sir, I speak for my daughter. When I 
refuse you my house, it means directly that your connections 
with the family have ceased. In other words, that you are 
not wanted, either at the house, on the premises, or in her 
coiTipany. You understand .'' 

Rich. Not fully. Show me some good reason why I am 
not wanted, and I will trouble you no more. 

Hay. It is not necessary. 

Rich. It is. Indirectly you have insulted my pride, if 
not my character. Now what have you against me ? Do I 



,14 THE GRANGER. 

drink, chew, smoke, swear, or associate with evil companions ? 
Are my morals corrupt ? Do I spend my money lavishly ? 
I defy you to show it. My father is a large land-owner as 
well as yourself, and of as respectable a pedigree. Then 
what have you against me ? 

Hay. {aside). The boy argues well, anyhow. {Aloud.) 
Against your character, nothing : against your business 
principles, considerable. You are unstable, sir, and to me 
show an utter disregard for your situation. 

Rich. In what respect, pray? 

Hay. Well, when you should be looking at the practical 
side of life, using your idle moments to study into the 
intricacies of the occupation you follow, you go roaming the 
fields and woods, shooting in a careless manner, and other- 
wise wasting the time that should be used for other jDur- 
poses. This shiftlessness alone, in one so young, would 
unfit you to wed my daughter, if nothing more. 

Rich. Ha! ha! ha! is that your complaint? {Taking 
paper from his pocket.) Look at this, Mr. Haymaker. 
{Reads.) " For being an exemplary young man, etc., and 
for close attention to business, we take pleasure in raising 
your salary one hundred dollars the coming year. Signed, 
A. Longnecker, Pres." {Pjttti7ig tip paper). Your opinion 
is at variance with the bank, you see. 

Hay. {aside). I must adhere to my argument, if it is slim. 
{Aloud.) Well, sir, if such is the case, how is it that you 
are habitually absent from your post of duty ? 

Rich. Like all youth, I need exercise and pleasure. 
Bring up a puppy in a box and it will grow dull and stupid, 
would it not ? I take my exercise in the fields and woods, 
among the birds and flowers, and this brings me under your 
observation. Were I to lounge in the village, you would not- 
notice me so often. I am requested to go, sir, as my 
employers consider that health is essential to business. 

Hay. {aside). Dash it ! I admire the youth after all. 
{Aloud.) Well, sir, you have expressed yourself intelli- 
gently, and I beheve candidly : but I am not satisfied. The 
youth who aspires to my daughter, must work himself up as 
I have done. That is {straigJitening himself up proiidly)., 
must depend upon his own resources, show native shrewd- 
ness, and feel himself competent to cope with the devices 
and tricks of the world. I have done this, and what is the 
result? To-day I am one of the largest land-owners in the 
State, hold mortgages and bonds, and am well versed in 
business besides. 

Rich. I am aware of that fact, sir, and also, that you pride 



THE GRANGER. I 5 

yourself upon being too sharp for swindlers and pickpockets. 
Still, I will make a wager, that, inside of a month, I will out- 
wit \'Ou at your own game : and your daughter's hand shall 
pay the jsenalty if I win. 

Hay. Well, well, for a youth, you are making a bold 
proposition. Supposing I take you at your word, and you 
lose. 

Rich. I will never trouble you or 3'our daughter again. 

Hay. Hey ? Won't trouble me or my daughter again ? 
Here I I'll take you at your word. It's a bargain. Outwit 
John Haymaker? Ha! ha! ha! pretty big job you've 
undertaken, my lad, do you know it ? 

Rich. I will take my chances, and rely upon your word 
of honor for the prize if I win. Good-day, sir. {Bows him- 
self o2it L. I E.) 

Hay. Ha ! ha ! ha ! a bright boy, I must confess : but 
outwitting John Haymaker, — that was the most insane sen- 
tence he. ever uttered. {Exit R. i E.) 



Scene III. — Sitting-room in John Haymaker's house. 
FnrjiitJire appropriate to wealth and taste of owner. 
Minnie discovered sitting near window, r. c, back. 
Mrs. Haymaker seated r., sewing, and Isaac, l.* 
ditsting furniture. 

Minnie. Just think of it ! Father hasn't mentioned my 
little episode with Richard since he returned. I expected 
such a scolding, too. What can have come over him, I 
wonder. 

Isaac. Dan't thee be teekled zo easily. The storm as 
do be delayed be the more fierce when close at hand, and it 
be zome zo with the scolding. 

MiN. What! do you think he will broach the subject 
now? Why, he went through the room without speaking, 
and didn't look a bit cross, either. 

Isaac. Likely, likely. That be no good zymptom, 
though. Drabbit it ! the man do fight the hardest who be 
in a smiling condition. Dan't thee flatter thyzel, thee won't, 
woolye, now ? 

Mrs. Haymaker. He goes to Boston on the early train 
to-night. When he came in, it was to prepare for the 
journey. 

Min. Is he going to play the Granger again ? 

Mrs. H. Yes, or at least, I call it playing the fool. 
They call him a Granger on the same principle, I suppose, 



1 6 THE GRANGER. 

that they call an overdressed young man a dude. Nothing 
pleases John so much as being taken for a country greenhorn, 
and then turning the tables. He will find his match some- 
tim.e, though, and then he will listen to reason. 

Mm. Oh, it would be just fun to make people think you 
were green, and then fool them. Wouldn't I like to peek 
around some corner and see him, though. 

Isaac. Likely thee would. It be the nature of woman 
to peek — or zomething like that. 

MiN. A man wouldn't peek, oh, no ! he is too much of an 
angel to do anything wrong. Ha ! ha ! how bad he must 
feel to be without wings, he is so perfect. {Noise off r.) 
Weir, draw on a long face, Isaac, father is coming. 

Isaac. Thee hadst better lengthen thine own face a bit, 
I do be thinking, under the zircumstances. 

(Haymaker entei's R. 3 e., tiying to tie on neck-scarf^ 

Hay. Martha, exercise your patience upon this choker. 
Dang the thing ! it bothers worse than keeping Merino 
sheep in the pasture. (Mrs. H. appi'oaches c, and fixes 
tie.) 

MiN. What about Shropshire, and Cotswold, and South- 
down, and Teeswater, and — 

Hay. There ! that will do. I mean Merinos and noth- 
ing else. Here ! — dash it ! be careful with that pin. 

Mrs. H. I am not using a pin at all. 

Hay. By George ! you must be cultivating hang-nails, 
then. Haven't you severed the jugular, or an artery, or 
something '^. {Mo%'ing uneasily about.) 

Mrs. H. No, I haven't. Keep still, can't you.'' How 
can I fix this tie with you bobbing around like an eel in a 
frying-pan. 

Hay. Well, well, don"t scold, Martha. 

Mrs. H. I am not; but if I should, it might amount to 
something. There, that is fixed. {Returns to seat, R.) 
How long shall you remain away ? 

Hay. Oh — er — a week, perhaps, perhaps longer. It 
will depend, you see, upon how old " Hayseed " is represented. 
Yes; now I think of it, I shall remain three weeks — three 
weeks on particular business that I had well-nigh forgotten. 

MiN. Anything pecuhar about the business, father.-^ 

Hay. Well, yes ; it does have a peculiar significance, I 
must confess. Let's see ; weW, the nature of it, principally, 
is to test the legality, or I might say, the criminality, of kiss- 
ing a proscribed lover over a penalty resulting from a 
philopene. Something of that nature, anyhow. 

yii'ii {tuniiiig toward window). Oh! 



THE GRANGER. I 7 

Isaac {aside to Minnie). It bean't wholesome to ques- 
tion too heavily, be it now, zay ? 

Hay. Isaac ? 

Isaac {starting qnickly). Ees — ees, zur. 

Hay. Look to the interest of the farm while I am away, 
as well as the family. Should the hands loiter in the field, 
or the cattle go astray, or a gate be left ajar, back up to them 
gently ; or, should it so happen that you did walk up face 
front, " turn I around zo " {tu?'ns aroiiiid in itnitation of 
Isaac), and go to star-gazing. Being a faithful and obe- 
dient servant, you will, no doubt, obey all of my instruc- 
tions. 

Isaac. Ees, zur — if there be no hawks in the way. 
{Aside to Minnie, who has bee?i slyly laughing at him.) 
Stop thy domned tittering, woolye, now ? 

Mrs. H. Jolm. I wish you would go to the city once and 
appear human. What is the use of acting like an unsophis- 
ticated rustic, without breeding or education, when you can 
appear otherwise ? 

Hay. Ha! ha! ha! why, Martha, there's pleasure in it 
— recreation — comfort. Look here! I walk along Wash- 
ington Street, minding my own business, too, and am greeted 
with such remarks as, "Hello! old Hayseed!" "No flies 
about him ! " "Is grass green deoun to your heouse ? " and 
so forth ; but it all falls upon my ears like the tinkling of 
silver bells. Ha! ha! ha! they don't know me, you see. 
Then, at the proper moment, I pull out this roll of bills 
{taking large roll of dills from his pocket), and my value 
goes up a hundred per cent. Oh ! nothing like money to 
make a man appreciated. Did you know that.'' An old coat 
is a soft pillow if lined with bank-bills. Well, well, I'm 
rattling off into a speech. Isaac, has Peter the team 
ready ? 

Isaac. Ees, zur. 

Hay. Well, bring my receptacle and I am off. (Isaac 
exit R. I E.) I think more of that old valise than I would 
of a government position. I suppose it was made in the 
days of Henry Clay, and was used to scatter nomination 
tickets. {Enter Isaac with old-fashioned valise.) Looks 
like it, don't it ? {Takes valise.) Well, kiss me, Martha, 
and keep a clear head until my return. {Crosses r.) 

Mrs. H. Did I not know you, I should certainly refuse. 

Hay. Would be your duty, wouldn't it? Well, well, 
" witli all thy faults, I love thee still." {Kisses her.) Now, 
good-by. ( Turns to go.) 

MiN. Haven't you a kiss for me, father ? 



15 THE GRANGER. 

Hay. {looks at her shat-ply for a moment'). Let's see; 
the penalty for a philopene is two kisses, I believe. No 
appealing, no loop-holes to crawl through, like the prohibi- 
tory law, no — Well, well, here is the kiss, girl. A child is a 
child but once, and as such should be appreciated. {Kisses 
her.) There ! peace be unto this house until my return, 
{Exit c. n., followed by Isaac.) 

MiN. How father must look when he is fully rigged out! 
What do you suppose the people take him for 1 

Mrs. H. I suppose he is taken for what he intends to 
represent ; that is, an uncouth country clown, who has never 
travelled, and who is unused to the ways of the world. In 
his travels he is nicknamed " The Granger." 
■ MiN. Yes ; and he is such a mimic, too. It must be 
real fun. Wouldn't I like to know, though, what transpired 
between him and Richard. It couldn't have been anything 
serious, or he would have shown it in his face. 

Mrs. H. I think at heart he respects Richard more than 
he is wiUing to own ; but if he is prejudiced against him, 
which is evident he is, I think it doubtful if they come to a 
reconciliation. 

MiN. And it is all because Richard don't work and think 
just as he does. I think it is real mean. There is no 
more likely young fellow in the county, and people say so, 
too. 

Mrs. H. Your father has his peculiarities like other men. 
He enjoys pleasure, and loves to indulge in it ; but he 
attends strictly to business, and it nettles him to see others 
neglect it. He can become comical and excitable at almost 
the same instant. Cross him in his belief, and he is apt to 
act unreasonable ; too much so for his own good. Outside 
from this, and the fact that he is a trifle conceited, he will 
hold his own with the average. 

MiN. Yes ; touch him on evolution and he goes off like 
a sky-rocket. Whew ! how he does spin when he gets to 
going! It makes me think of a clock that gets to striking 
sometimes and won't stop until run down. Ha ! ha ! to 
think that we originated from monkeys is too comical for 
anything. If it only had been butterflies, or humming-birds, 
it would have been real nice ; but monkeys, the horrid 
things — ugh! {Looking otif of window.') Why, as I live, 
there is Isaac coming toward the house, and Richard is with 
him. What can it mean? 

Mrs. H. ( ^oing to window). Although I respect the 
youth, I hope he is not fooHsh enough to disobey vour 
father's command. Coming hereafter he has been forbidden 





THE GRANGER. I 9 

the house, and the moment my husband is out of sight, is 
not gentlemanl}^, to say the least. 

Mm. Oh, he will explain himself! Perhaps he and 
father came to terms, and that was what made father act so 
queer. We will find out in a moment anyway. 

{Enter Isaac, followed by Richard, c. d.) 

Richard. You will pardon this unseemly visit, Mrs. 
Haymaker, after ■ having been forbidden from entering the 
house ; but I have business that brought me here, which, 
when explained, will, I think, pardon me for the intrusion. 

Isaac. The man as be not responsible for his acts do be 
excusable, zure enough. 

Mrs. H. Speaking for myself, I do not object to your 
presence ; but as your presence is offensive to my husband, 
I would advise you to be careful. 

MiN. I don't think father feels very bad, or he would 
have said more about it. 

Isaac. Dan't thee know that deepest grief be not dis- 
zernible on the outzide ? It burns the fiercest on the inside, 
out o' zight, zame as a coal-pit, or zomething like that. How- 
zomever, thy feyther and Richard have come to zome under- 
standing, which — Well, well, I do be doing all the talking 
myzel — zame as usual. {Retires to a seat L. 3 E.) 

MiN. iJaugJiing). And say the least. 

Isaac. Ees — zame as women at a zoing zircle. 

Mrs. H. {retiirnhig to seat near R. i e.). Well, Richard, 
consider yourself at home, and we will Hsten to the nature of 
your business. 

Rich, {seating himself down c. near Minnib). The sum 
total of my business is this: I have made a wager with Mr. 
Haymaker, and the winning of it has much to do with my 
future happiness. 

Mrs. H. Indeed ! I was not aware that Mr. Haymaker 
was in the habit of betting or making wagers. 

Mm. How much is the bet, Richard ? 

Rich. Well, valued by law. about three thousand dollars. 
To me, however, the value is far more. I proposed the bet, 
vou see, and he took me up like a flash. Now, in order to 
win, I need the united efforts of you two ladies. 

Mrs. H. Assisting you to win three thousand dollars 
from my husband, Richard, would seem more insane than 
rational. 

Isaac. They do be zeeing things through green goggles. 
Drabbit it ! break the ice at once, and out wi' it. 

Rich. I will. You know, Mrs. Haymaker, that your 



20 THE GRANGER. 

husband prides himself upon being too sharp to be swindled 
or even robbed. Now I have made a wager that I will out- 
wit him inside of a month. 

MiN. And if you do, you win three thousand dollars? 

Rich. Not in money — no. If I win, I wed his daughter 
by his own consent. If I lose, I relinquish all claims, and 
shun this house forever. 

MiN. {clapping Jier hands). Oh ! then you must help 
him, mother. You will, won't you ? 

Isaac. Thee do be mortal glad to beat thy feyther, 
zomehow. Zure, I do blush for thee, for zartain. 

Mrs. H. If my daughter is to be raffled for, or used like 
a lottery ticket, I certainly shall object. 

MiN. Oh, mother ! don't look at it in that light. You 
know, excepting father, we are all willing — or — that is — 

Isaac. Richard, if the two of you be not engaged, it be 
thine own fault, zurely. She do make confessions that — 
Oh, well ! I bean't saying anything but to myzel, as usual. 

Rich. We are engaged, Isaac, and all are in my favor 
but Mr. Haymaker. A test has now come up between us. 
If I lose, after making the challenge myself, I lose all pres- 
tige in his eyes, and the woman I love. If I win, it will 
elevate me in his estimation, heal the breach between us, 
and teach him a lesson he will never forget. 

Mrs. H. In what respect ? 

Rich. By proving to him, that, like all men, he is liable 
to mistakes. Lt is currently reported that Haymaker will 
find his match some time ; and when he does, it is evident 
he will be out a large sum of money. 

Mrs. H. I have often had fears of the same thing. 

Rich. Very well. If I rob him, will it not break him 
from courting an attack, and tempting thieves in the fu- 
ture ? 

Mrs. H. I hardly think so. I doubt, Richard, although 
I admire your courage, if you can accomplish your object. 
Mr. Haymaker is a far-seeing man. You, as yet, are com- 
paratively young, and unused to the ways of the world. I 
would gladly assist you if I considered that the plan was 
feasible. 

Rich. Do I have your consent and assistance if the plan 
is feasible .'' 

Mrs. H. {after a pause'). Well — j'es ; that is, I will 
decide after hearing how you intend to proceed. 

Rich. Well, here is what I propose : Mr. Haymaker is 
vulnerable in one point — evolution. Interest him in that, 
and he forgets all else. That will be my point of attack. 



tHE GRANGER, ^t 

Minnie is good at personifying different characters, and so' 
am I. We can both sing, too. Now my plan is to go to 
Boston at once, and take you two with me. We will hire a 
couple of furnished rooms for our headquarters. Minnie 
and I will disguise as musicians, and play upon the street; 
of course, making it our aim to play in the presence of Mr. 
Haymaker. We shall have a story to tell, too, that will 
interest him; and mark me, that story will influence him to 
go to our rooms. Minnie and I will do the work, while you, 
Mrs. Haymaker, shall serve as our protectors. Is not the 
plan feasible ? 

Mrs. H. I hardly think you can disguise so as to deceive 
him. 

Rich. A costumer for a small sum will put us in proper 
shape. I have no fears about that. 

Mrs. H. I doubt if you can influence him to go to the 
rooms ; and even then I fail to see how you are going to suc- 
ceed. 

Rich. Leave that to me. Mr. Haymaker is noted for his 
generosity. Our story shall touch his sympathetic nature. 
Wishing to investigate before giving, he will go with us to 
our rooms. Trust me for the rest. Will you assist me ? 

MiN. {excitedly^. Oh, do, mother! You have often said 
you would like to play a good joke on father, and now is 
your time. I want to go to the city too. (Crossing to her 
mother and tJirowing her arms around her neck.^ You will 
go, won't you ? 

Isaac. To be zure she will go. Do the two of you be 
thinking to go trapezing off together wi'out her going? She 
be not so domned zilly as that. 

MiN. Mother, will you go ? 

Mrs. H. Minnie, I will. I believe I should enjoy the 
pleasure of seeing him outwitted if only to laugh at him 
about it in the future. 

MiN. Oh ! good. Mother, here is a kiss to pay you. 
(^Kisses her.) 

Isaac. There be another here wi' mouth watering for 
zome of the zame. 

Rich. No, Isaac ; not under this roof while I am pro- 
scribed. Wait until I have conquered, and then see. Mrs. 
Haymaker, having your consent, I feel that success is cer- 
tain. 

Mrs. H. When do you start ? 

Rich. To-morrow. Come, Minnie, we will sing a song 
together as a kind of rehearsal, and then I am off to make 
arrangements, and to get leave of absence. 



22 THE GRANGER, 

Isaac. Having a good audience to zing to — Mistress 
Haymaker and myzel, d'ye zee — do thy loveliest, and zing 
pratty. 

Rich. Well, Isaac, you can be our critic, and decide after 
we have finished. Come, Minnie. 

(Minnie and Richard advance front of stage and sing 
song to suit the occasion. ~) 

Curtain. 



THE GRANGER. 2$ 



ACT II. 

Scene I. — Cify street. Entrances R. andt,. 

(As curtain rises John Haymaker enters from l. He has 
on cowhide boots with pantaloons tncked in, wears long 
hair and a broad-brimmed hat. and is dressed in long blue 
drilling frock, over which are seen two medium-sized silver 
chains attached to a ring worn around the neck. Each 
chain reaches to the pockets beneath, and is fastened to 
traps which are concealed in the pockets. He carries a 
large, old-fashioned carpet-bag. As Haymaker enters, 
lotid laughter is heard off stage L.) 

Y{aymak.¥.k {backijig on and looking off L.). Wa'all, laffif 
you want tu — no law agin it ez I knows on. Makes me think 
of a lot o' calves a-blaatin' on a cattle train — it does, by 
Methuselah. Look a-here, now, I'll laff with you. {Laughs 
loudly with others o?itside L.) There! eny remarks tu 
make about that ? Skowhegan plunket! if I hed voices like 
yourn, I'd greese 'em with goose-ile tu keep from havin' 
consumption. Oh, yes ; look me over if you want tu ! 
{Turning around^ Reg'ler hayseed, ain't I? Got sheep- 
shears an' rake-teeth in my hair, in course I hev. {Laughter 
renewed^ That's right! keep it up. Feel better when you 
git well over it, I'll bet tu dollars. Hey? Did you call me 
a sunflower.'' If I hed you across my knee, you starched- 
up extract from a Chinese laundry, I'd make you feel sun- 
burnt, I would, by mighty! A Granger — eh 1 Wa'all, 
s'posin' I am — s'posin' I am, what s'yer goin' tu du about 
it — say ? 

Newsboy (^«/i?rj-yr(7;« R.). Herald — Globe! Herald — 
Globe ! 

Hay. {turning arotmd). Hey? What's that you're 
shoutin' about ? 

Newsboy. Morning and evening papers. Paper, sir ? 

Hay. Wa'all, I don't mind, seein's you're so willin'. 
{Takes paper.) Thank'ee ! don't know what I shall du with 



24 THE GRANGEK. 

it ; but it may come handy some time. {Puts it in his pocket 
and starts off?) Good-day, sonny. 

Newsboy. Here, sir ; two cents for the paper, please. 

•Hay. {stoppifi^). Oh ! you sell 'em, du ye ? Skowhegan 
plunket ! why. didn't you. say so afore.'' (^Places valise on 
sidewalk, R.) Look a-here, sonny, I reckon I don't want 
eny papers. {Offers paper back.) 

Newsboy. Yes, you do, sir. Newsiest paper of the 
week. Labor riot in New York, steamboat explosion, two 
murders, scandal in high life, more about tariff and civil- 
service reform, another outrage in Canadian waters, and all 
about the latest base-ball game. You couldn't do v^^ithout it, 
sir. 

Hay. Enything about why the milk o' some cows sours 
quicker'n others ? 

Newsboy. What, sir ? 

Hay. Explain why a goose-egg hatches a goslin', or a 
hen's egg a chicken, when put under some other fowl .'' 

Newsboy. I fear, sir — - 

Hay. Give eny receipt for currant worms, or how tu 
destroy potato-bugs outside o' the ordinary way ? 

Newsboy. I've a crippled brother and a sick mother 
who depend upon me for a living. Won't you buy a paper, 
please 1 

Hay. No human critter can suffer 'round Solomon Slope- 
worth if he knows' it. Count 'em out, sonny, an' I'll take 
the hull lot. {Takes out large roll of money as boy counts 
papers. Enter First Bunco Man from l., who perceives 
money) 

Bunco Man {aside). Ah-ha! there's a chicken to pick, 
sure enough. Full of money, too, as a sheep-tick full of new 
blood. I'll watch him. {Remains L.) 

Hay. Wa'all, how many .? 

Newsboy. Twenty Globes and forty Heralds, sir. 

Hay. Sixty all together. How much does it figer up at 
tu cents apiece ? 

Newsboy {promptly). Two dollars, sir. 

Hay. Hey.'' Is that Boston figerin' .f" Tangle me up in 
a barbed wire fence if I didn't think it afore. Couldn't ^ell 
'em butter in that way, bet your shoe-strings you couldn't. 
Wa'all, here's the tu dollars {gives boy money), an' what ye 
don't need for- your sick mother, you kin use to buy an 
arithmetic, an' study addition. Jest du them papers up in a 
bundle, an' I'll put 'em in this keerpit-bag. {Turns to R., and 
stoops dow7t to open valise. Boy with papers slips out R. 
jcnobserved.) There ! reckon this'll hold 'em all, an' a small 



THE GRANGER. 25 

house besides. (^Rises tip with valise open., and finds boy 
gone.') Wa'al], I'll be blowed ! 

Bunco Man {advancing front). Rather played it on 
you, didn't he? Just the way with newsboys — a rascally, 
thieving set. 

Hay. S'pose so. Not much tu blame, nuther, seein' ez 
who they associate with. I kinder pity the yengster, arter 
.i'i. 

B. M. Were you to know them, your pity would turn to 
disgust. You are from the country, I should judge ? 

Hay. Who in thunder told ye ? 

B. M. I guessed it by your garb. Not that it is unbe- 
coming at all ; but because it resembles the old, honest, 
sturdy, and substantial American farmer. 

Hay. Jest so — jest so. Been in the country yerself, I 
reckon ? 

B. M. Very little. Was a lightning-rod dispenser once, 
but soon gave up the job. 

Hay. Wonder they hadn't shot ye at fust sight. Don't 
appreciate them fellers down in Maine, no sir'ee. We jest 
fire 'em right oflf the premises. Why, look a-here ; I 
wouldn't stretch 'a story for a four-year-old colt, but I'll bet 
tu dollars that them fellers ud sit beside a sraall-pox patient, 
an' talk lightning-rods until he died, if it ud only insure a 
sale tu the widder arter he wus buried. They would, by 
Methuselah ! 

B. M. Ha ! ha ! I think you are about correct. May I 
ask in what part of the country you reside? 

Hay. You may — nuthin' preventin'. 

B. M. Ah — yes. Perhaps it is in Maine? 

Hay. Perhaps it is. Oxford County, purty nigh on tu 
the Hampshire line. Kin look out o' the kitchen winder 
each mornin', an' see the sua a-gildin' the tops o' the White 
Mountains, jest like great sheets o' gold. Ever take tu fishin', 
mister ? ^ 

B. M. Not much — no. 

Hay. Ain't like some men, then, who ud hang tu a brook 
till tliey fished it dry, an' tlien hanker for more ? Human 
sharks, I call 'em. Some on 'em right here in Bostown, 
ready tu pick a man's pocket at a moment's notice. Wa'all, 
talkin' o' fishin', puts me in mind of a brook ez runs across 
my farm. Ez I said afore, I wouldn't stretch a story for a 
four-year-old colt ; but the trout in that stream breed so 
fast, an' grow so quick, that I hev tu hire 'em scooped out 
tu keep the stream from over-flowin' an' floodin' the land. I 
du, by Methuselah ! 



26 THE GRANGER. 

B. M. Not much of a bro®k for frout either — eh ? 

Hay. Not much, consider! n'. Why, Caleb Gushing, 
Vv^hose land jines right on tu mine, an' who owns a saw-mill, 
hez 'em so thick in his brook, an' so well trained, that, when 
he wants tu saw, all he hez to do is jest to whistle, an' I'll be 
durned if they won't swim right up in a mass, an' hold the 
water back like a dam. Then, when Caleb is through, they 
jest scatter out an' let the water slide. Mighty savin', I kin 
tell ye. 

B. M. Ha ! ha ! I should say so. You are a land-owner, 
then ? 

Hay. Wa'all, sorter. People in Oxford County, Maine, 
'11 tell ye that Solomon Slopeworth is one of the largest land- 
owners in the State. 

B. M. Ah — um ! glad to hear it. Married, I suppose ? 

Hay. Got a wife an' ez fine a darter ez there is in the 
country. Why, ez Margaret, my wife, sez, an' ez I have sed 
a heap o' times, the looks o' Miranda for beauty an' pertness 
ain't tu be found. They are scarce ez hen's teeth anyhow. 

B. M. {aside). Am finding out just what I want to know. 
{Aloud.') Yes, no doubt of it. 

Hay. (placing valise on sidewalk). Now, look a-here ; 
you're a sort o' dressy chap with an honest, open counte- 
nance, an' I don't mind tellin' ye a secret. Kin ye keep it ': 

B. M. One of the first injunctions of my mother was to 
keep a secret inviolable. 

Hay. Sho! hed a mother, did ye ? I'll allow I shouldn't 
a-thought it. You seem like one o' them fellers who never 
wus born, but wus jest lifted right out of a clothes-basket, 
full grown, all starched, an' ready for use. You du, by 
Methuselah! 

B. M. Ah! complimentary, I see. But the secret; do I 
understand — 

Hay. Oh, yes 1 I wus a-goin' tu say that money in a 
ragged coat wus ez good ez money in a new one ; but witli- 
out money, the new coat stands the biggest show. I've been 
called old Hayseed twenty times on this same street. Whv.'' 
Jest because my clothes ain't ez purty ez somebody's else's 
clothes, an' because I'm awkward and clumsy in my gait. 
Look a-here. {Taking mo7iey from his pocket.) See this 
money ? I'll bet tu dollars I kin buy each one on 'em, an' ' 
still hev money in the bank. 

B. M. Do you always carry money about you in that care- 
less manner ? 

Hay. Why not? Ain't a-goin' tu steal it, be ye ? 

B. M. Why — ah — no ; only it seems careless, that's all. 



THE GRANGER. 2J 

Well, good-day, my friend, glad to have met you. {Bows 
politely and exit R.) 

Hay. (^putting iitoiuy in Ids pocket and laughing). Ha ! 
ha! ha! think I couldn't read that countenance? Think 
my family history was told for nothing ? Only wait, that's 
all. I've baited the trap, and if I don't catch the fox, then 
John H^aymaker is no prophet. 

Bootblack {enters from l.). Shine, sah.'^ 

Hay. Hey ? Want tu shine ? Why, sartin I want tu 
shine. Never saw a man ez didn't, did ye ? 

Bootblack: (^places stool c). Have yer boots blacked, 
boss ? Seat all ready for yer. Give yer first-class shine, 
sah. 

Hay. Give it tu me, eh ? Durned if I won't take it. I 
will, by Methuselah! {Seats himself iipo/i stool and places 
foot on block.) There, sonny ; there's ez square a foot ez 
you ever worked on. 

Bootblack. Jess so, sah. Two square feet in one, sah.' 
{Proceeding to work.) Mighty good on de water — dem 
feet. 

Hay. Why so ? 

Bootblack. Nebber could drown unless you tipped 
ober, sah. 

Hay. Eh, what's that ? Look a-here ! you chunk o' 
black muck, if I hed you on the farm, du you know what I 
would du with ye ? 

Bootblack. Don't know, sah. 

Hay. I'd stick you up in the field to frighten crows out 
of the corn. I would, by Methuselah ! 

Bootblack. Nebber would work, sah. Nigger and de 
crow too much ob de same complexion. 

Hay. Wa'all, I'll be durned if I'd thought o' that. Skow- 
hegan plunket ! if I was a nigger, I'd go tu some bleachery 
an' bleach myself back into a white man. 

Bootblack. De nigger would want you to, sah. 

Hay. Why so ? 

Bootblack. Kase you isn't ob de right make-up. Hair 
too straight, like an Injin's. Nebber try to be a nigger, sah. 
{Packing up brush and blacking.) 

Hay. Here ! what are you doing ? You haven't blacked 
the other boot. 

Bootblack. Nebber finish a job widout de pay fust, 
sah. 

Hay. Hey ? Ain't you doin' this for nuthin' .' 

Bootblack. Fo' twenty cents, sah. 

Hay. {rising to his feet). Nuthin' said about twenty 



28 THE GRANGER. 

cents, Skowhegan plunket ! the ordinary price ain't only 
ten. 

Bootblack. Fo' common feet, sah. Costs more to paint 
de big house den it does de little one. Twenty cents fo' 
you, sah. 

Hay. I won't pay it, I'll be durned if I will ! 

Bootblack. Jess as ye like, sah. Nebber quarrel wid a 
man wid a big foot. It ain't safe, sah. {Picking up stool 
and starting off.) Speak well fo' de blacking, sah. 

Hay. Here, come back. Du you think I want tu be left 
half shod? Finish the job an' Til rake up the money, if it 
takes the last cent. 

Bootblack. Couldn't do it, nohow. Nebber could live 
to go 'round dat odder foot. Good-day, sah. Speak well fo' 
de blacking. {Exit l.) 

Hay. Well, that youngster is bound to have his own 
rights, or nothing. Mighty good idea, too. Should have 
held me for that twenty cents, though ; only point in which 
he lacked judgment. {^Looking at his feeti) Ha ! ha ! 
played it on me well. Hang it ! my feet look like a field 
half ploughed. Shall have to strike another bootblack to 
finish the job. 

Policeman {entering from L.). Move on ! Shure, and 
you have obstructed the sidewalk long enough. 

Hay. Sho ! you don't say. Nuthin' tu hinder you from 
passin', is there ? 

Police. Not the idea at all, at all. Yees are obstructing 
the sidewalk.- The gineral public can't go by yees widout 
taking the street. 

Hay. Hain't tu people passed in the last ten minutes. 
Hull crowd on 'em down on t'other street, though. Must 
be a cattle-show or circus down that way somewheres, I 
reckon. 

Police. Shall I be afther assisting yeez to move, or 
will yeez move without ? 

Hay. Wa'all, I reckon you kin assist me. Much 
obleeged. Jest take that keerpit bag an' lead me tu a first- 
class tavern. Durned if you ain't the most obligin'chap I've 
struck in Bostown. You are, by Methuselah ! 

Police. No trifling. Yees move along, or I'll be afther 
taking yees to the station-house. 

Hay. Sho ! can't loaf 'round here ez you would in a 
pasture, then ? Skowhegan plunket ! you could race in my 
fields a hull day, an' I wouldn't say a durned word. Do you 
own this cow-path, mister ? 

Police, I have charge of it, sur — yis. 



THE GRANGER. 29 

Hay. You du. Wa'all, now, how much'll you charge tu 
jest go along an' mind your own business ? 

Police. Thunder an' 'ounds ! this talk to me ? Whom 
be yeas ondressing, yees spalpeen ? 

Hay. Sorter reckon I don't know, squire. 

Police, {siiaightening himself iip proudly'). I'm a 
Policeman. 

YiPCi. {looking him over). Sho ! you don't say. Durned 
if I didn't take you for one of 'em fellers ez leads a bear 
around with a string. I did, by Methuselah ! Reckon a 
policeman must be somethin' higher than that? 

Police. Shure and yees will foind out, and mighty quick, 
too. I'll not speak again. If yees are here on my return, 
bad luck to the mither that raised yees ; that's all. {Walks 
promptly across stage and off l.) 

Hay. Durned if I couldn't put him in my vest-pocket an' 
use him for a toothpick. {Assn/ning his v.atnral voice.) 
Well, that's the end of that racket. {Looking off r.) Hello ! 
there are the partners of that lightning-rod dispenser. I 
can tell them as far as a man can tell the sme'l of a skunk. 

{Enter from R., Second andHviiKT) Bunco Men. They 
are stylishly dressed, with stovepipe hats^ and canes, etc. As 
they pass Haymaker, the Second B. M. suddenly stops, 
looks at him critically, and then extends his hand) 

Second B. M. Pardon me, sir ; but if you are not Solo- 
mon Slopeworth, of Oxford County, Maine, then I have lost 
my reckoning. Mr. Slopeworth, how do you do ? 

Hay. {grasping his hand). Purty well, thank'ee. 

B. M. Mr. Slopeworth, this is my friend, Charles 
Mathews. 

Hay. Durned glad tu see ye, both on ye. {Grasping 
and shaking their hands.) How's the folks at hum .-^ 
{They try to release their hands.) Sho ! ain't a-hurtin' 
on ye, be 1} Ha! ha! ha! ain't jest used tu a Granger's 
shake, I reckon. Wa'all, wa'all {zvringing their hands), 
take it good-naturedly, Mr. — er — er — what did you say 
your name was ? 

B. M. {trying to luithdraw his hand). Ah, yes : Pink- 
ham — Jim Pinkham, sir. 

Hay. {holding their hands and thinking). Pinkham ! 
Pinkham ! Don't seem tu recollect that name, somehow. 
Ain't no relation of Lydia's, be ye ? 

B. M. None whatever. You will recollect that I was at 
your place two years ago. I not only reimember you, but 
your wife Margaret, and your daughter Miranda, 



30 THE GRANGER. 

Hay. The deuce you do. ( Shaking their hands.') 
Durned if it don't make you seem like old friends. {Releas- 
ing their hands.) Funny, I can't place you, though. What 
wus you a-doin' ? 

B. M. I took supper with you. You will remember me 
by that. 

Hay. I s'pose I'd orter : but I've fed so many tramps, 
that — 

B. M.. {indignantly). Beg pardon, sir: I was not there 
as a tramp. 

Hay. Oh ! you wasn't. Wa'all, I couldn't tell, ye see. 
So many people are beggars one day, an' dress like kings 
the next, that we're apt tu get 'em mixed up. Wus there 
for somethin', I s'pose ? 

B. M. I was looking at horses. A man by name of 
Caleb Johnson was there too. At supper-time you invited 
me in. 

Hay. Did — eh? Hed a good supper, didn't ye ? 

B. M. Never could ask for a better. The products of 
the farm were well represented, and I think I did justice to 
them. Strange you should have forgotten me. 

Hay. Wa'all, I can't remember everything no more nor 
a judge. Didn't sell you a spavined horse, did I ? 

B. M. No, sir, I bought no horse at all. 

Hay. Wa'all, that accounts for it. Had I tucked a 
foundered horse on tu ye, or one troubled with the epizootic, 
I might hev remembered you durned quick. Cu'rus how 
you know me, though. 

B. M. I am good at remembering both names and faces. 
Having seen you at the farm, I should know you if I saw you 
in Halifax. 

Hay. Oh, you would. Wa'all, I'll be durned if that ain't 
queer. See right through me jest ez you would a piece of 
glass, wouldn't ye ? Now when I cum to Bostown I'm so 
sorter changed an' stuck up that I hardly know myself. 
Still, I'm stopped by you, right on the street, an' called 
Solomon Slopeworth jest ez familiar ez by one o' the family. 
Beats the Dutch. Durned if I wouldn't like to shake hands 
agin. I would, by Methuselah ! {Offers hand.) 

Third B. M. Excuse me, sir, if I decline. 

Second B. M. Having tested your shake, you will par- 
don me if I also decline. 

Hay. Ha! ha! ha! feared tu shake hands, be ye? 
Wa'all, I don't know ez I blame ye. Why, I'll bet tu dollars, 
an' I've got tlie money tu back it {taking roll of money 
from his pocket and displaying it)., that I've got a grip 



THE GRANGER. 3 I 

that'll hold both on ye tighter'n a bear in a trap. Hope ye 
won't take the bet, though, durned if I don't. {Returns 
money to his pockets.') 

Third B. M. Come, Jim, we must hurry to the bank. 
If not there by three, the check cannot be cashed. 

Second B. M. {looking at watch). Why, it is after five 
now. 

Third B. M. What ! then we are too late. So much for 
loitering here. Five hundred dollars is promised at six, and 
I must have it at whatever risk. How much have you 
about you } 

Second B. M. Not ten dollars. How large is the 
check ? 

Third B. M. Fifteen hundred dollars on First National 
Bank. 

Second B. M. Good as the wheat. Perhaps Mr. Slope- 
worth can accommodate you. He is a thorough business 
man, and, as I have noticed, has plenty of money. Let him 
see it. 

Third B. M. With pleasure. {Hands check to Hay- 
maker.) You can see more distinctly, Mr. Slopeworth, by 
turning to the gas-jet burning there in the window. The 
street-light is somewhat dim. If you can cash the check, or 
even loan me the six hundred upon it for a few hours, you 
will oblige me greatly. 

Hay {turning back to audience and facing c). Wa'all, I 
don't mind lookin' at the check, though I ain't so sartin 
about cashin' it. Let's see : it reads {holds check above his 
eyes as if trying to pick it out. As he does so, each B. M. 
slips a hand into his side pockets), " Boston, Mass., Sept. 
fust. Number twenty-one hundred an' fifty-tu. First 
National Bank. Pay tu the order of Charles Mathews, or 
bearer, fifteen hundred dollars. {Traps spring on B. M., 
wJio start back with a yell. Quick as a flash, Haymaker 
grasps each one by the throat and swings them around 
front.) Ah — ha ! taken that other grip, hain't ye ? 
Thought you could beat Solomon Slopeworth, eh ! Knew 
my hull pedigree, did ye ? ( They attempt to draw weapons 
with their free hands.) Here! touch your pockets, an' I'll 
bunt your heads together like a pile-driver buntin' a log. 
{Twisting them around.) Oh ! I've got you, an I've a good 
mind tu wring your necks. {Shakes them.) 

Second B. M. {speaking with effort). Don't ! for God's 
sake, don't ! Let us go, and we will trouble you no more. 

Third B. M. Release me from this hellish trap, and I'll 
pay you handsomely. 



32 TiiE GRANGER. 

Hay. You will, eh ? Would give your last shirt if you 
hadn't done it, PI! bet a dollar. Feel at this moment jest 
like speakin' in meetin', don't ye? Will ye keep quiet if I'll 
let up on ye ? 

Second B. M. Release me and I am at your command. 

Hay. Won't try tu run away, will ye, till I give the 
signal ? 

Third B. M. Release your hand, and I will remain at 
your mercy. 

Hay. Wa'all, I'll try ye. {Leis go of their throats.) 
There! try tu run now, an' I'll rap your heads tugether like 
tu batterin' rams. 

Second B. M. Now free us from these traps. They 
hurt like the devil. 

Hay. Du they ? I'll be durned if I ain't sorry. There 
was alius somethin' sympathetic about my nature, anyhow. 
Why, I'd leave a woodchuck in a trap a hull da}^ rather than 
hurt it by takin' it out. Reckon I'll du the same by you. 
Don't like it, eh ? Wa'all, must keep your hands out o' 
other people's pockets, then. Look a-here ! {Taking 
7noney from his pockets and shaking it before them) Plenty 
o' corn in the crib, if you know where tu find the key. Ha ! 
ha ! ha ! didn't know where it wus, did ye ? {Reticrjis 
■money to his pockets.) Now will ye du ez I want you tu if 
I'll not give ye tu the perlice ? 

Second B. M. We can hardly do otherwise, can we ? 

Hay. That's so, by Methuselah. Wa'all, just return 
them traps tu the pockets where you found 'em. {They 
start to remove traps.) No ; you needn't take 'em off. 
Return 'em with the same hand you took 'em off with. 
{They hesitate.) Come! will ye du az I tell ye? {They 
rehictant/y obey.) There ! now sorter look happy an pleas- 
ant-like, for there's a pesky perliceman a-comin' at double- 
quick. 

Police, {enters fro7n L.). Begorra ! yeez are still here, 
and in moighty foine company, too. Are yeez acquainted 
with thim two gintlemen? 

Hay. In course I am. Wouldn't be so durned familiar 
with 'em unless I was, would I ? 

Police. And would yeez moind telling how the famiharity 
took place ? 

Hay. Wa'all, perhaps that's a secret I don't want tu 
explain. Ain't obleegecl tu, be I ? 

Police. Shure, there's no compulsion about it, no, sir; 
but in duty to meself and me profession, I'll be afther saying 
that thim two gintlemen are pickpockets, 



THE GRANGER. 33 

Hay. Skowhegan plunket ! you don't say ! Why, I've 
got over tu thousand dollars in each side pocket. I'm letting 
'em put their hands right in on tu it, tu. See ? {^Points to 
his pockets.) Now I'll bet tu dollars they don't touch a cent 
on it. 

Police. Begorra ! yeez must be an ould fool or a thaif 
in disguise. I've a good moind to arrest the whole gang of 
yeez. 

Hay. Oh, don't get excited, squire. Why, I'd jest ez 
soon they would handle that money ez not. Like the same 
privilege yerself, wouldn't ye.'' Wa'all, Jim, pick up that 
keerpit bag and we'll trudge along. (^He hesitates.) 
Come, pick it right up. (Second B. M. picks up valise 
reluctantly.') 

Police, {aside). Moighty quare proceedings this. Be- 
gorra ! I'll keep an eye on him, or they'll drain him of the 
last cint. {Aloud to B. M.) If yeez two chaps are not 
mighty careful, yeez will find your ould places. 

Second B. M. Sir, I — 

Third B. M. I, sir — 

Hay. Don't you fret, squire. They're all right, I reckon. 
Jest trot along about your business, an' we'll du the same. 

Police. {jnovingK. Aside.). I'll kape an eye on thim, 
anyhow. {Exit R.) 

Hay. Come, now we'll go tu the tavern. Oh, don't look 
so gloomy. Blowed if a man wouldn't think, tu look at ye, 
that ye'd both stolen a sheep. I'll swear that you haven't, 
by Methuselah. Now jest act your purtiest, an' I'll du the 
same. {Moving R.) Remember, this is the fust, an' may be 
the last, time you will ever walk out with Solomon Slope- 
worth, the Granger. {They exit R. As they disappear., 
Richard «;^^ Minnie, disguised as musicians., enter fro fn 
L., cross stage and exit R., as scene closes in.) 

Scene II. — Interior of bar-room. Bar l. c, back. 
Opening R. c, showing waitvig-room beyond. Table r. 
c, frojit,' cojitainiftg papers, etc. Barteiider behind bar. 
Two or three at bar, drinking. As scene opens, they pay 
for dri7iks and exit R. 3 E. Comjnotion in room R. c, back. 

Barkeeper. What's the racket in there, I wonder ! 
{Goes to entrance and looks in.) 

Hay. {approaching opening with pickpockets, same as in 
last scene). How de du, squire .'' Fine evening. Jest right 
tu make corn an' grass grow right smart. Been sarchin' 
for a fust-class tavern, an' my tu friends tuk me here. 



34 THE GRANGER. 

Bark, {looking at tJiein sharply'). Have your baggage 
checked in other room, please. 

Hay. Wa'all, ez I've cum to sta}', I sorter reckon I don't 
vs^ant it checked. {Pushes his way into room.) Oh, don't 
look so durned skeert. Never saw a Granger afore, did ye ? 
Jim, sot that keerpit bag under the table. {They cross to 
table. Barkeeper goes behind bar.) 

Second B. M. {placing valise under table). Let us out 
of this without going further, and we will pay you five 
hundred dollars spot cash. 

Third B. M. Subjecting us to this ridicule is worse than 
going to State's Prison. For Heaven's sake, let us off. 

Hay. Ha! ha! ha! don't like my company, eh? 
Wished ye hadn't ^recognized me, don't ye ? Durned if I 
ain't sorry. When I become attached tu an old hat, or an 
old pair o' boots, it's jest like puUin' a tooth tu part with 'em. 
Jest the same with my friends, tu. Du I talk tu much tu 
suit ye 1 

Second B. M. It's the trap, sir. Can't you release me 
from that ? 

(Policeman seen standitig in entrance R. c, back.) 

Hay. Could if I took a notion, I s'pose, but I don't. It ain't 
policy tu let down the bars an' let the cattle intu the wheat. 
Why, look a-here; if you've got an unruly steer, jest keep 
him inside a high fence, or else knock him in the head ; it 
don't make much difference which. Skowhegan plunket ! 
if you're in pain, we'll call for some balm o' Gilead. {Swings 
them around to bar. Three or fotcr loafers ejiter R. 3 e., 
and seat thetnselves around table.) Look a-here, landlord, 
hain't got eny Good Samaritan or St. Jacob's ile, hev ye ? 

Bark, {with knowing smile). Will give you the best we 
have. {Sets out tumblers and decanter.) 

Hay. (taking up decaliter and sjnelling). I'll be durned 
if that don't smell jest like Jamaica ginger down in Maine. 
It does, by Methuselah. {Fills glass and sets down 
decanter.) 

Police. A — a — a — hem ! ahem ! 

Hay. (j-^^/;/^ Policeman). Hey? I'll be sheep-sheared 
if thet durned perliceman hain't followed us here. How de 
du, squire? Walk right up an' express your feeiin's. (Po- 
liceman rushes to bar.) Think I'm jest turned out tu grass 
an' need watchin', don't ye? (Second B. M. reaches for 
decanter.) Here, that ain't your kind. ( Takes decanter and 
hands it to Policeman.) Now, fill right up, an' don't say a 
durned word. Landlord, jest pass down thet Congress 
Water, will ye ? " 



THE GRANGER. 35 

Bark. (Jianding down bottle marked Congress Water). 
Here you are, sir. 

Hay. Thank'ee. {Passes bottle to B. M.) There ! 
reckon that Congress Water will jest hit you tu a T. {77iey 
hesitate.) Come, hurry up ! A slow hoss in liayin' time, 
with a storm comin' up, is a pesky poor team. {They reluc- 
tantly fill glasses.) 

First Loafer {loudly). Is it dry times down to your 
house, Joe ? 

Second Loafer. Yes ; mighty dry. 

Hay. {turning around). Hey.'' Here, you sorter look 
out for thet keerpit bag under the table. It's mine. Reckon 
you said somethin' about bein' dry, didn't ye .'' Wa'all, slide 
right up tu the bar; that is, if you kin. (Loafers I'ltsh to 
bar.) Don't drink with a " hayseed " every da)^, ye know; 
so fill er right up. {Y^oxyy.'K'S, fill glasses^) There! Now 
drink a health tu Solomon Slopeworth, a self-made man, an' 
one of the largest land-owners in Maine. {All drink but 
Bunco Men, who try to work glasses over their shoulders ; 
they are seen by Haymaker.) Here ! Never saw a man 
with a mouth hung over his shoulder. Jest drink that down 
in tlie old-fashioned way. {They drink it down, making wry 
faces. ) 

Police, {after all have finished). Would yeez be afther 
stepping this way for a moment ? I would speak wid yeez. 

Hay. Why, sartin. Jest wait until arter Jim settles the 
bill, though. Reckon they don't keep no slate here, so jest 
fork over the cash. 

Second B. M. Why, sir, I — 

Hay. {authoritatively). Jest shell right out an' pay. D'ye 
hear? (Second B. M. tJirows down money spitefully; 
Loafers retire to table.) Ha, ha, ha ! Nuthin' like havin' 
friends ez takes an interest in ye. {Goes down L. i e. with 
Policeman.) Wa'all, squire, which side o' me du you want 
tu see fust ? 

Police. Shure, and I would see yeez alone, sur. 

Hay. Don't be afeard, squire. If you've enything tu say, 
j'ist spit er right out. 

Police. Shure, and your two friends — • 

Hay. Oh, ye needn't mind them. We three, like cats, 
dogs, an' chickens, eat out o' the same dish ; tliat is. jest at 
present. Why, I wouldn't hev nuthin' whispered tu me 
without them a-hearin' it for a full-blooded Chester pig. I 
wouldn't, by Methuselali. Let er slide, squire. 

Police. Well, sor, as a policeman {straightening himself 
up proudly), and knowing yeez to be from the counthry, and 



36 THE GRANGER. 

in the company of sharpers, I havfr taken upon meself the 
liberty to follow yeez ez becomes me profession. Shure, and 
I have informed yeez before, that these two gintlemen were 
pickpockets ; but yeez still cling to thejn as affectionately as 
a sick kitten to a hot brick. Shure, and they cling to yeez in 
the same way, too, afther knowing meself to be a policeman, 
and upon their track. I fail lo understand it at all, at all. 
Begorra ! unless they travel at once, I shall put thim under 
arrest. 

Hay. I wouldn't du it, squire; I'll be durned if I would. 
Arrest a man tu many times on suspicion, an' you sort o' 
spile him. Durned if I hain't seen a dog whipped for lookin' 
at sheep until they kind o' made a sheep out o' the dog. 
Now, I sorter think a thief kin be halter broke so ez tu be led 
right in tu temptation, an' come out ez unscathed ez a sala- 
mander out o' the fire. Don't believe it, du ye } 

Police. Begorra! I'd give them the handcuffs ivery 
toime. 

Hay. Wa'all, now handcuffs tu me are a good deal like 
a poke on a hoss. They don't look purty ; an' besides, they 
give the hoss a bad name. Why, look a-here, squire ; these 
chaps, tu me. look good deal more like editors tu some 
Sunday-school weekly than they du pickpockets. They du, 
by Methuselah. 

Police. Yeez have not learned to recognize sharpers by 
their foine clothes and ilh'gant manners, son 

Hay. Then sharpers dress in broadcloth, du they .-' 
Wa'all, wa'all, that beats the Dutch ! Believing these tu 
chaps tu be thieves jest makes me homesick. Purty sure 
you told the truth, ain't ye ? 

Police. Shure and I did, sor. I know thim well. Be- 
gorra ! they show guilt in their faces at this idintical moment. 
(B. M. /00k sheepish.) 

Hay. You don't say. Wa'all, I'll be blowed ! Chaps 
ez slick ez a new bonnet in a bandbox, a-hankerin' arter a 
man's spare change. I wouldn't a-thought it ; I wouldn't, 
by Methuselah. {Looking down.) Here ! I'll be Skowhe- 
gan plunketed, if they ain't in my pockets now. {Shoufs.) 
Cotch on tu 'em ! Don't let 'em git away ! 

Police. {rusJiing up). Come to my assistance, ivery 
mother's son of yeez. 

{AH ritsh npon thieves. Policeman and Loafer di-ag 
B. M. to R., the others drag B. M. to L. As they do so, 
the traps and chains are discovered fastened to their hands, 
A II start back in surprise.^ 



THE GRANGER. 3/ 

Police. What the divil is all that ? 

Bar. {goitig behind bar laicghing). A genuine Yankee 
trick. 

Loafer. Ha, ha, ha ! Boxed as neat as a fox in a trap. 

Second B. M. Yes ; curse him ! This is the result of 
trying to pick up a damned country clown. 

Third B. M. Give us an opportunity, though, and we'll 
sift the hayseed out of his hair; and don't you forget it. 

Hay. W — w — what's the matter round here.'' Eny o' 
you chaps struck a hornet's nest? Let 'em run right off 
with a man's property, wouldn't ye.'' {To B. M.) Where 
ye started tu with them traps? 

Second B. M. You promised if we obeyed your wishes 
to keep us from the police. You have lied, curse you ! 

Hay. Wa'all, now, I didn't intend tu; durned if I did. 
Sorter reckon I won't either. Just wanted tu show you off, 
that's all. Why, look a-here; durned if you don't look like 
tu peacocks caught out in a rain. You du, by Methuselah. 

Second B. M. Yes ; two peacocks in the coils of an old 
snake. Give — 

Hay. {lifting his hand). Shet right up, or LU mash you 
intu a pint o' hot mush. 

Police. Case enough against them for arrest. 

Hay. Wa'all, you can't du it if there is. I'm jedge an' 
jury o' these tu chaps, an' jailer, tu. {To Third B. M.) 
Now, you jest pay the drinks for the crowd, an' Pll let down 
the bars an' give ye a chance tu travel ; that is, providin' 
you're purty considerable kind o' civil. Will ye du it ? 

Third B. M. Yes ; to be out of these traps, and your 
company, I'd pay for a hundred drinks. 

Hay. Thank'ee ! Don't appreciate me ez you did, du 
ye ? Like eatin' tu many green peas, 'cause you like 'em, 
an' then hatin' the effect arlerwards. Wa'all, gentlemen, 
walk right up tu the counter. {All go to bar.) Kind o' 
reckon I'll keep you on the same kind o' fodder. {Fills their 
glasses same as before.) Wa'all, gentlemen, drink tugether 
like a lot o' bosses at a trough. {All drink but B. M.) 
Down with thet Congress Water, I say, or I'll trot ye over 
the hull city. (B. M. drink.) 

Third B. M. {throwing down money). There! If your 
revenge is complete, just remove these bracelets. 

Hay. Why, sartin. Glad tu accommodate ye in anything 
practicable. {Takitig hold of traps.) When you go tu 
Oxford County, Maine, jest call on Solomon Slopeworth, 
an' he'll treat you tu ez good a meal o' farm produce ez you 
ever tasted. {Opens traps and lets them out.) An' another 



38 THE GRANGER. 

thing. When you pick up another Granger on the street, 
don't take him for a pumpkin until you have tested the rind. 
A heap o' farmers, sunburnt an' rusty lookin', are jest ez 
well posted an' shrewd ez you high-toned chaps, who kin 
support a cane an' a stove-pipe hat. Now you kin go. [The 
two B. M. S7ieak out, R. c. back; as t/iej go, Loafer starts 
the shout, '■'■ Hurrah for the Granger!'''' m which the others 
Join.) 

(Loafers, Policeman, and Barkeeper suj-round Hay- 
maker, and examitie traps and chain si) 

Loafer. Well, that beats all the thief protectors I ever 
saw. 

Police, Shure, and did yeez have thim fastened whin on 
the strate ? 

Hay. Sorter reckon I did, squire. 

Bark. Well, how do you work the thing, anyway ? 

Hay. Won't try tu pick my pockets if I tell ye, I s'pose ? 

Bark. Hardly, unless I am crazy. 

Hay. Wa'all, I sot the traps so {^sets traps); then I places 
'em in my pockets this way (^places traps in his pockets), an' 
when the sign is right, show 'em my money {takes out rolls 
of bills) ; then return it tu my pockets {retitrns 7noney to his 
pockets), arter which, I turn around, kind o' absent-minded 
like, this way {turns around facing c, back), an' let 'em 
work. Want tu try it, eny on ye? (^All say '■'■ No ! no T'' 
and fall back.) Bet tu dollars there ain't one on ye kin hit 
the genuine article without being caught. 

Bark. The man who takes you for a spring chicken will 
get left. I can see that plainly. 

Hay. I reckon you're correct, squire. S'pose I've trav- 
elled all over Europe, an' the north part of Maine, for nuthin' .-* 
Tried this same scheme on in New York, an' it worked jest 
like a charm. Caught four on 'em in one day. Weren't but 
a leetle behind in Chicago, nuther. Durnedifthet Chicago 
ain't the wust place for blacklegs I wus ever in. Why, 3'ou'll 
find 'em stuck on tu every corner ez thick ez flies on tu 
a lump o' sugar. They don't want tu fool round Solomon 
Slopeworth, though, or they'll find his eyes ez wide open ez 
Uncle Zekiel's wus, when the boys tried tu pitch him intu 
the river. 

Bark. How was that ? 

Hay. {seating himself at table, a7id throwing one leg 
across it). Wa'all, the boys, ye see, hired Uncle Zekiel, 
who weighed some over tu hundred pound, an' wus sorter 
foolish on top o' that, tu kneel an' pray on the eend o' a plank 



THE GRANGER. 39 

bridaje where the water wus some over four feet deep under- 
neath. Their intentions wus, when he got well tu goin', tu 
jest creep up behind an' shove him off; but Uncle Zekiel 
kiender smelt a rat, an' so prayed with his eyes wide open. 
They told him ez how no man ez wus a prayin' man ever 
prayed in thet sort o' style ; but Zekiel answered, that he wus 
prayin' jest ez he wus taught tu du in the Scripters. When 
asked how thet wus, he told them that, in the Scripters, he 
wus commanded tu watch ez well ez tu pray ; an' thet wus 
jest what he wus a-tryin' tu du. {All laugh!) 1 tell ye, 
squire, I'm. like Uncle Zekiel ; I'm alius on the watch. 

Police. Did yeez iver get come up wid, sor .'' 

Hay. Never did, squire; though I'll allow I've been in 
some purty tight places. 1 sorter seem tu attract sharpers, 
somehow, jest like a puddle o' molasses a lot o' flies. Why, 
they went clean tu Oxford County, Maine, tu du me up with 
the bogus gold-brick scheme ; but I outwitted the hull lot. 
Ike Hicky, though, next-door neighbor tu me, didn't pan out 
so lucky. 

Bark. They scooped him in, did they? 

Hay. Tu thousand dollars in clean cash. But, then, Ike 
alius wus unlucky, an' absent-minded, tu. Durned if he 
wouldn't forget his own name sometimes, an' hev tu ask his 
wife what it wus. He'd walk haff a day in the rain with an 
amberil right under his arm, an' then wonder wliy in thunder 
he didn't take one with him. Why, Ike got married on a 
Saturday, tuck his new bride tu church the next day, an' arter 
services, hitched up his team an' druv clean tu miles towards 
hum alone, afore he recollected he wus a married man. 
Then he druv back an' took her in. Absent-minded 1 I 
guess he wus. 

Bark. If he was as unlucky accordingly, he must have 
led a miserable life. 

Hay. Miserable? Ike Hicky wus so pesky unlucky, he 
couldn't be miserable. He didn't hev time atween showers. 
Why, look a-here ; I've seen young 'uns spanked so often, 
that tu miss a punishment 'ud make 'em feel unhappy ; an' it 
wus some so with Ike. If a day passed without somethin' 
going wrong, it jest put him all out o' jint. Unlucky? Why, 
i saw more ill-luck pile on tu thet man in five minits once, 
than 'ud fall on tu an ordinary man in ten years. 

Bark. How did that happen ? 

Hay. Wa'all, Ike got tu arguin' with his wife once, an' 
usin' his right forefinger for a pointer, gave her a plum-centre 
hit clean in the right eye. She tilted over back, kind o- 
tragic-iikej ^n' fainted, Bein' g. woman ez weighed some 



40 THE GRANGER. 

over tu hundred pounds, the fall, ez you may imagine, wus 
not sliglit. She went through the dinner-table ker-smash, 
broke the leg o' one child in the fall, knocked over the stove, 
sent seven lengths o' sooty pipe through four lights of ten-by- 
twelve glass, which frightened a couple o' colts in the front 
y;ard; the colts waltzed over the fence intu a herd o' tu-year 
old steers ; the steers an' colts run against some props ez wus 
used tu hold up an old barn ; the props gave way, the barn 
collapsed, killin' the hull lot, besides smashin' a top buggy, 
an' a bran new sleigh which Ike hed stored away for winter 
use. And all of this happened on one of Ike's most favorable 
days, tu. {All laugh.') 

(Richard and Minnie, disguised as musicians, enierfrom 
R. c, back ; they remain standing doiun r.) 

Bark, {laughing). Look here, my suburban friend, I 
think you are spreading that on too thick. 

Hay. Du ye .^ Don't know Ike Hicky ez well ez I du, 
I reckon, or you'd think different. Why, Ike built a barn 
once ; an' what did the pesky jackass du, but place the foun- 
dation upon a bed o' pure undefiled clay. The result wus, 
when the frost came it warped the pesky thing so completely 
out o' shape, that it couldn't hardly stand still. In the barn 
wus some forty head o' cattle, which Ike wus a-winterin' the 
fust season. There wus Jarseys, an' Shorthorns, an' SufTolks, 
an' Ayrshires, an' some ez wasn't neither but a leetle of all. 
They wus ez straight, plump, well-proportioned cattle when 
they entered that barn in the fall ez a man 'ud wish tu see ; 
but you'd orter seen 'em in the spring. So confoundedly did 
that barn warp an' double up durin' the winter months, that, 
wlien them air cattle wus let out tu pasture in the month 
o' May, I'll be blest if each one on 'em weren't twisted com- 
pletely out o' shape. Now that's a fact, bv Methuselah. 
{All laugh.) 

Bark, {placing glasses and decanter on table). Here, 
walk right up, gentlemen. {All go to bar.) A yarn like 
that needs washing to go down with good relish. 

Police. Begorra ! and thin it will digest as hard as ould 
cheese. 

Loafer {after glasses are filled). Here is luck to Ike 
Hicky. the unluckiest man in the State of Maine. 

Second Loafer. And may he never have a worse neigh- 
bor beside him than Solomon Slopeworth. 

Hay. Thankee! Thankee! {All drink:) 

Bark, {perceiving Richard (tw;?' Minnie down r.). Well, 
what are you two looking for .'' 



THE GRANGER. 4I 

Richard (^advancing to bar as others fall back. Police- 
man goes down L. ; Loafers seat themselves at table; 
Haymaker leans against connter L. c). Can we sing, sir, 
for a few pennies, my sister and I ? We will try and please 
)'0u, sir. 

Bark. Singing not allowed in the house. Go on to the 
street. 

MiN. {advancing). Just one song, please. If we do not 
please the gentlemen — 

Bark. 1 tell you — 

Hay. Hold on, squire. I ruther hear singin' than a 
Congressional speech eny day in the week. Jest let 'em 
warble once, if they want tu. 

Bark. Very well, to please you. Well, if you have any 
music in you, let us hear it. 

(Richard and Minnie advance to c. of stage and sing song. 
If musicians, a guitar, or some other instrujnent, or in- 
struments, played by them, would add greatly to the effect. 
At close, all cheer and call for more.) 

Hay. Skowhegan plunket ! look a-here. I've got a gal 
at home ez kin warble like a linnet ; an' I'll be durned if this 
gal don't sing jest like her. Squire, I'd like tu hear 'em 
agin. 

Police. Begorra ! I second the motion. 

Bark. Very well ! Give us another song. 

{Second song. At close all clap their hands and cheer. 
Minnie passes around small box for pennies.) 

MiN. {approaching Hay.). A few pennies, please. 

Hay. {taking out roll of bills). Solomon Slopeworth 
don't pay for no sech singin' ez that with pennies. Here's 
a tu-dollar bill {throwing bill into box) ; an' if you're an 
honest couple, an' in want, I'll double it. 

MiN. W^e try to be honest, sir. We have ourselves and 
a sick mother to support, and do it by singing. It is our 
only means of earning a living. 

Hay. {to Police.). Know enything about this couple, 
squire ? 

Police. Niver saw the loikes of thim before, sor. 

Loafer. Where do you live ? 

Rich. Just off from Court Square, sir. Moved here from 
New York two weeks ago. 

Bark. Why did you leave that city for this ? 

Rich. We were burned out, sir. Only a few books to 
which my father attached great value were saved. My father 



42 THE GRANGER. 

lost his life in the fire, and we keep the books on that 
account. A brother to my mother is somewhere in this city, 
and we came here to find htm. We got out of money, and 
so took rooms, and my sister and I play and sing for a living. 

MiN. You see, sir, my father believed in something diiier- 
ent from most people, and had a lot of books that treated on 
the subject. My brother Harry believes in the same tiling, 
and so refuses to sell the books unless' we are in absolute 
want. Father calls his belief — calls it — well — {Hesitates.) 
Harry, what is it father calls his belief.? 

Rich. Evolution. 

Hay. {starting quickly'). Hey? Wus that your father's 
belief.'' Skowhegan plunket ! I should hev liked tu hev 
met him. Are the books thet are saved relatin' tu thet 
subject ? 

Rich. They are, sir ; though the books of Darwin were 
burned. I lay up ten cents a week toward buying a new 
set ; but the money comes slow, sir, very slow. 

Hay. You shall hev the books, yengster ; every one on 
'em. Skowhegan plunket ! I'll pay for 'em out of my own 
pocket. Evolution ? Why, thet is one of the grandest 
beliefs under the sun. The only true an' correct theory ez 
wus ever advanced ez tu the origin o' man. I believe in it 
clean tu the backbone. I advocate it, yengster; an' if you 
are makin' it a study, an' need help, jest call on Solomon 
Slopeworth, an' you'll find it. 

MiN. Oh, sir, I wish you could see his books. You 
might assist him. 

Hay. Wa'all, I kin. I'll go right tu the house. Go 
right hum with you this minit. 

Rich. Can you do so without trouble to yourself? It is 
not a great way, sir, and we can show you quickly. It is a 
humble place, but we are poor, sir. 

Hay. Don't care a durn about the place. {Crosses to the 
table and picks up carpet-bag.) I jest want tu see them 
books. Whenever I see a young man ez is bound tu get at 
the truth, he'll find Solomon Slopeworth ther tu help him, 
if he has tu crawl through a thorn bed tu du it. Yengster, 
jest lead the way tu them air books. 

(Richard exit r. c, back, followed by Minnie, Haymaker, 
a7td Policeman ; Barkeeper reuiains behind bar, ajid 
Loafers seated at table as scene closes in.) 



THE GRANGER. 43 



Scene 3. — Plain kitchen or sitting-room. Lounge c. L. ; 
table R. C, on which are dishes, food^ lighted lamp, etc.; 
chairs R. and L. Entrance R. c. back and L. 3 E. As 
scene opens, Mrs. Haymaker is arranging table. 

Mrs. Hay. This is a queer proceeding, I must confess. 
Deserting my own home, stealing away to the city here lil<e 
a thief, and all for the purpose of playing a practical joke 
upon my husband. It is not probable, though, that we shall 
succeed ; in fact, to me, it is very improbable. {Looking at 
table.') There ! I believe I have the table arranged with 
all that is necessary for the occasion. Now to place the 
drug in the coffee-cup, and my part of the programme is 
complete. {Takes white paper from her pocket, iinfolds it, 
and shakes white powder into cup. Then places tumblers 
on table, r.) Hark ! There are footsteps in the lower hall. 
In order to be on the safe side, and avoid mistakes, I will 
retire to the other room. {Exit l. 3 e.) 

{Enter R. c. back, Richard, Minnie, and Mr. Haymaker.) 

Hay. {speaking as he enters). Now, to use the exact 
words of Mr. Spencer, which is ez follows : " There is in 
living organisms a margin of functional oscillations on all 
sides of a mean state, and a consequent margin of structural 
variation." There's the hull thing, ye see, ciphered right 
down to a nutshell. 

Rich. Yes ; and in very simple language, too. Have a 
seat, sir. {Sho%us him to lounge. Minnie removes things 
L. c. Richard remains standitig at table.) 

Hay. {seating himself on lounge. Places carpet-bag on 
floor beside him). Jest because the oak is derived frum the 
oak, an' dogs frum dogs, ain't no sign that these variations 
have become fixed through some law of hereditary descent 
an' can't be changed. Why, look a-here ; the reason why 
like produces like, is jest because they are produced under 
the same nat'ral conditions. See ? 

Rich. I see. (Minnie exit l. 3 e.) 

Hay. Take a plant from its native situation, an' plant it 
in some garden, an' tend it ez you would a lot o' cabbages, 
an' a heap o' times you wouldn't recognize it ez the same 
plant. 

Rich. I have noticed it, sir. 

Hay. Take a man frum his native sphere, an' sot him 
dovi'n in some new latitude, jest the opposite in every par- 



44 THE GRANGER. 

ticular frum his nat'ral clime, an' ten tu one if iTe don't pass 
tlirough sech a change, that in a few years his own grand- 
mother wouldn't know him. 

Rich. I don't doubt it, sir. 

Hay. Which shows, ye see, if all organic an' inorganic 
bain's wus subjected to extreme changes, an' propagated 
under entirely different conditions, new species might be de- 
rived, an' results obtained that would startle the philosophers 
of our enlightened modern age. We have seen — 

MiN. (^enters from L. 3 e. with books). Here are the 
books, sir. 

Hay, {not heeding). The wonderful divergences resultin' 
frum payin' careful attention tu breedin' in fowls an' animals. 
There has arisen one hundred and fifty kinds o' rock pigeon 
from a single species which still hold true tu the variety. All 
of our dogs hev been the result of the same species, while 
in plants, even, this wonderful transformation is still taking 
place. 

MiN. I have brought you the books, sir. 

Hay. {?iot heeding). Geologists an' naturalists hev shown 
us that all species an' varieties are continually dyin' out, an' 
new varieties of animal an' vegetable life are continually 
springin' into a state of existence, an' supplantin' the places 
of those that are past. 

Rich. Beg pardon, sir ; but my sister is waiting with the 
books for you to examine. 

Hay. Hey ? Wa'all, why didn't you say so afore ? {Tak- 
ing books and looking them over.) These are the books, eh ? 
Huxley, Spencer, Henslow, an' Lyell. Got 'em all myself, 
includin' Hodge, Mivart. Lubbock, Hsckel, an' a heap o' 
others besides. They ain"t anywheres, though, compared 
tu Darwin ; that is, in mv way o' thinkin'. Why, I wouldn't 
be without the works o' Darwin no more nor I would be 
without a rake in hayin' time. 

Rich. Father has made almost those same remarks him- 
self. 

Hay. Has, eh ? Wa'all, now, I should jedge your father 
tu be a man o' good sound judgment ; an' it is jest sech kind 
o' men who are sartin tu be cut off right in the blossom o' 
life. Now ez tu the theory o' Darwin — 

MiN. Excuse me, sir ; but won't you take supper with us ? 
We should be pleased to have you, and we can listen to your 
talk at the same time. 

Hay. Reckon you don't know Solomon Slopeworth, gal, 
or you'd never ask him tu fodder. Why, I've been packin' 
victuals atween my jaws for the last sixty years, an' they 



THE GRANGER. 45 

Still open for more, jest like a robin's mouth afore it quits tlie 
nest. Clean ye all out at one mouthful, wouldn't I ? 

MiN. I think not, sir. We have coffee and hot rolls 
which mother always keeps warm for us, even when she is 
away, as sb.e is now. If you say you will eat with us, I will 
bring them in. 

Hay. Wa'all, if it'll sorter please ye, I reckon I will. 
I've kinder taken a fancy tu you two, somethin' like a canni- 
bal tu a missionary, I guess, an' will show my appreciation 
by cleanin' out the larder. If the pantry runs dry, though, 
jest order in another an' I'll pay for it. {Places books a/id 
his Jiat oil tJie lounge.') 

Rich. I think we have plenty of food, such as it is. You 
will be seated here. {Seats Haymaker at head of table 
facing audience. Richard sits R. Minnie exit L. i e.) 

Hay. {seating Jiiniself at table). Wa'all, this beats all 
creation. Fust, a-listenin' tu two street singers, ez I might 
call ye, an' the next thing eatin' with 'em in a tenement liouse 
up six stories. Durned if it ain't what a scholar would tarm 
sorter romantic. It is, by Methuselah. 

Rich. We hardly know, sir, what a blue sky in the 
morning will bring forth before night. 

Hay. No ; or how high a keg o' powder will hist a man 
if he should touch it off Nuthin' like comparisons, ye see, 
tu give an effect tu an argument. (Minnie enters with coffee 
and rolls L. i E.) 

MiN. Now I will wait upon you and then make one of 
the party. {Turns out coffee into cup containing powder 
and passes it to Hayp^aker. ^\q.\ikkd passes bread, sugar, 
etc. Minnie seats herself at table l. Business.) There ! 
now I am ready to listen. 

Hay. {eating at intervals w-hile talking). Wa'all, tu begin 
with, if I kin talk atweeh mouthfuls, it is purty obvious that 
man is constructed on the same general type or model ez 
other mammals. The bones of his skeleton, muscles, nerves, 
blood-vessels, internal viscera, an' even his brain, ez shown 
by Huxley, an' haff admitted by Bischofif, correspond with 
the monkey, bat, an' also the seal. He is subjected tu the 
same diseases, tu. Why, look a-here ! {Eating and ijiotion- 
iiig with his hands as he talks.) In a state o' embryology 
you can't distinguish a human being from an ape; an' it is 
only at corresponding stages o' development that the dilTer- 
ence kin be detected, an' each part takes upon itself its own 
counterpart or likeness. Now that's kind o' cur'us, ain't it .-' 
{Takes up coffee to drink.) 

Rich. I should say it was. 



46 THE GRANGER. 

Hay. {setting down coffee ivitJiont drmking). Say ! here's 
another cu'rus thing. Darwin says the. resemblance atween 
monkeys, gorillas, chimpanzees, orangs, an' anthropo- 
morphous apes is so strikin' ez tu warrant a strong relation- 
ship existin' atween "em. Ever notice it afore ? 

Rich. Not that I know of. 

Hay. Then agin, their features, emotions, an' expres- 
sions are similar. Some on 'em have naked foreheads, 
beards, whiskers, mustaches, an' even heads o' hair wliich 
part in the middle, jest like a human pusson. Why, they so 
imitate man in his actions an' habits, that, though man is 
endowed with an intellect an' monkeys ain't, it is purty 
durned evident tu me that both are the result of unbroken 
inheritance from a common progenitor. {Eating.) 

Rich. How are we to know this ? 

Hay. How? Wh}^, by the simple secret of progression. 
Every thing that moves along upon the wheels o' time has 
sartinly got tu progress or improve. It can't du otherwise. 
The moment it begins tu retrograde, it falls back, dies out, 
an' finally becomes extinct. [^Drinks part of coffeei) 

Rich, Exactly ! 

Hay. {setting down cup). Man has been progressin' for 
incalculable ages. But ez he has progressed he has taken 
upon himself new endowments. These endowments kin be 
classed under the head o' language, inventive genius, power 
o' reasonin', thirst for knowledge, an' so on. The last en- 
dowm.ent wus that o' conscience. Conscience is unknovv'n 
tu the savages tu-day. It is, ez I believe, a comparatively 
new gift, an' derived from the progress of evolution. 
{Drifiking coffee.) That is purty good coffee, by Methuse- 
lah. 

MiN. It is the best we could get, considering our circum- 
stances. 

Hay. Now, tu reason a bit. If man has progressed from 
a primitive state up into his present condition, he sartinly 
must have progressed irom a still lower state up into primi- 
tive man. See ? 

Rich. I see, sir. {Aside.) Wish he would hurry up 
with that coffee. 

Hay. {taking another drink of coffee). When man fust 
diverged from the Old World stock is purty onsartin ; but 
there's a heap o' evidence — {Pauses.) Hold on ! thet 
ain't jest the p'int I wus a-talkin' about. i^Rubbing his head.) 
Sorter feel dull in my head, somehow. What wus I 
a-speakin' about last ? 

Rich, You were describing,- the ortranic chain, sir. 



THE GRANGER. 47 

Hay. So I wus. Durned funny I should hev gotten off 
the track — it is, by Methuselah. Hain't pizened this coiTee, 
hev ye ? 

Rich, (^laughing). If we have, I think we shall suffer 
with you, as we are all drinking from the same coffee-pot. 

Hay. (^acting confused and rubbing his forehead). Now, 
let's see. Organic chain. Oh, yes, startin' frum the Verte- 
brates wus the larvae o' existin' Ascidian. That is one link, 
ye see, though not the fust. Then follows the chain o' fishes 
which is, Lancelot, Ganoids, Lepidosirens, an' Amphibians. 
Purty big names ; but all o' which mean sumthin' if you look 
'em up. What in thunder ails my head } Wa'all, frum 
fishes the chain is purty well broken till you strike the — 
strike the — wa'all, the Monotremata link, wliich tu a slight 
degree connects mammals with reptiles. Then comes links 
— chains — traps — {Conftsed.) I mean, arter, after an 
interval of brakes — o' brakes, comes the Marsupialian link, 
followed by — by — followed by — {Ro7ising up.) Look 
a-here, yengster. (^Looking at Richard suspiciously.) How 
old are ye ? 

Rich. Seventeen years, sir. 

Hay. {regarding him closely though in a sleepy tnanner.) 
Durned if you don't look like it. Almost tu young, I reckon, 
for — (^Rubbing his eyes and looking at Richard.) Wa'all, 
wa'all, I feel like a man haif drugged, that's all. Will pass 
off in a moment, I guess. Let's see ! Where hed I a-gotten 
tu? 

Rich. You had just given the Marsupialian link, sir. 

Hay. So I hed. Wa'all, the Marsupialian link wus fol- 
lowed by the Lemuridte, o' course. Didn't ye know that ? 

Rich. I had forgotten it. {Aside.) I wonder if he will 
ever sleep ? 

Hay. An' later on came the Simiadas link, or link o' 
monkeys an' apes. 

Rich, {after a pause in which Hay. seems to drowse). 
Well! 

Hay. {rotising np). Durned if I am. Room kind o' 
close, ain't it? 

Rich. I will open the window after you finish the Simia- 
das link. 

Hay. Wa'all, the Simiadze link, ye see, branched out intu 
monkeys ; an' it wus frum the latter o' these ez originated 
man. Purty long pedigree, but an illustrious one if you'll 
jest stop tu look it over. 

Rich. I should say so. 

Hay. {talking slowly aud brokenly). It's a purty long 



48 THE GRANGER. 

Step from coffee-pots tu — tu evolution — curvature of the 
spine — John Haymaker. {R(msi?ig up.) I mean Solomon 
Slopeworth. When you cotch Solomon Slopeworth nappin', 
you kin cotch a white blackbird by jest sprinklin' salt on its 
tail. Wa'all, ez I — or — ez I3arwin wus a-sayin', the hull 
Simian stock, includin' man, so closely resembles monkeys, 
that — that — tu raise good potatoes, you must plant the seed 
on new land. Why, look a-here ; take away a man's intel- 
lect, an' — an' give him a tail, an' — an' he'd make a purty 
good monkey, even at the present day. That's — so — by — 
Me — thu — se — lah. (^Mumbles ^mintelligibly for a moment, 
then settles down into his chair asleep.') 

Rich, {after a pause). Well, Minnie! 

MiN. Well, Richard ! 

Rich. We have outwitted John Haymaker. 

Hay. {zvithout lifting his head). Hey ? 

Mm, Hush, Richard ! he isn't asleep. 

Rich. Yes, he is, too. You couldn't awake him if you 
wanted to. Come ; shout to your mother while I get things 
into shape. {Rises and crosses to lounge.) 

MiN. This is the most fun I ever had. {Runs to L. 3 E. ; 
shouts.) Come in, mother; father's gone to roost. 

Rich. Ha, ha, ha! gone to roost! He must be a biped, 
then. He'll wish he was a mollusk when he awakes. 

MiN. What for ? 

Rich. So as to crawl out of sight. Here, you young 
Arab ! catch hold of the end of this lounge. 

Mm. {taking hold of lounge). Arab? I don't look half as 
black as you do, and my wig is prettier, too. {They place 
lounge near centre of stage?) What are you going to do 
next ? 

Mrs. Hay. {enters l. 3 e.), I was about to ask that 
question myself. 

Rich. Well, we'll take his money and traps, turn his coat 
wrong side out, and then place him upon the lounge. How 
long will the potion you gave him keep him asleep ? 

Mrs. Hay. Not but a short time. I wanted to take no 
risks, and told the physician so when I asked for the pow- 
ders. He said they were harmless, and that the eftects 
would pass off quickly. 

Rich. Then let's hurry up. {Removes traps and chains 
and places them on table.) There! so much for so much. 
If you understand his pockets, Mrs, Haymaker, you can 
remove the money and take charge of it. 

Mrs. Hay. I made the pockets after a pattern of his own 
invention, and so understand all the secrets. {Taking out 



THE GRANGER. 49 

money.) Here is what they contain. {Showing money and 
then putting it into her pocket.) 

MiN. Now, let's turn his coat wrong side out. 

Mrs. Hay. Don't be ridiculous, Minnie. 

MiN. Well, papa plays jokes upon us when he has a 
chance, and now I intend to pay him back. I'll help take it 
off, Richard. {They reiuoi'e coat, turn it wrong side out, 
sJiowing fancy colored lining., and then put it back on.) 

Rich. Now exert your muscle, and we'll put him to roost, 
as you call it. {They place Haymaker on lounge, head 
toward R. i E., and feet toward 'L. c. back.) There ! Now 
where is the mask ? 

MiN. I will bring it. {Exit L. 3 E., and retiirns with 
mask and large frame done up in paper.) Here are the 
things ; all of them. 

Rich. Well, let's put that table down here. Never mind 
the dishes — just scrape them back out of the way, and let 
them set. {'They place table oJ foot of lowige, and lamp 
npo7i- stand near c. i E.) Give me that false face. {Takes 
and places false face on table so as to face Haymaker and 
the audience. Face should be large, grotesque, and so ar- 
ranged as to sit 7tpright on table.) Now for the wig. (Min- 
nie takes wig from Haymaker's head and gives it to 
Richard, who places it upon mask.) 

Mrs. Hay. (^laughing). That is too ridiculous. 

MiN. Mother, you- keep still. Richard and I are doing 
this, and you mustn't make remarks. We have given you all 
the money, and I am sure that is quite enough. Richard, 
what next ? 

Rich. Put him into his own traps. {Takes traps and 
springs them on to the toes of Haymaker's boots, and fastens 
chains to table-leg.) There ! when he gets up that old table 
will travel. Now for the sign. {Takes paper frojn frame, 
which reveals sign reading, " The Granger, or Caught in His 
Own Trap.'''' 'RlCHAKO fastejis frame back of false face so 
a.'i to be seen by Haymaker %vJien he awakes.) We will take 
I'is valise with us, as in all probability it contains his other 
clothes. 

MiN. No. Let's us take the clothes out, and leave the 
valise. He will want it to carry. 

Rich. Just as you like, only be quick. (Minnie takes 
out clothes and closes valise.) Now put on your things, and 
let's be off. 

Mrs. Hay. I do not feel just right, going away and leav- 
ing him in this condition. 

Rich. I saw a policeman to-day with whom he seemed 



so THE GRANGER. 

to be on familiar terms. Plis beat is on this street. We 
will seek him out and send him up. How will that work ? 

?/I s. ;-r..v'. That will be much better, and I shall be more 
at ea.:c. I will go for our tilings. (^Exit L. 3 E.) 

Mix. Say, Rich, now mother is out of sight, I am going 
to play a joke of my own. You won't tell, will you? 

Rich. Not if it don't interfere Vi^ith me. 

MiN. It won't ; so hand me your scissors. (Richard 
hands tJiem to her.) I'm going to make one of father's pant- 
legs like Peggy Short's petticoat — six inches short. l^Cuts 
off pa7it leg-) There, I'll make him a present of it when he 
gets home. (^Returns scissors and puts tJie piece of cloth in 
her pocket.) Won't father be mad, though, when he awakes! 

Rich. Ha, ha, ha! He'll think that evolution has taken 
a rise. Blest if I could make out a thing he was driving at. 
Could you 1 

MiN. No ; and never could. It's always something 
about man's being a monkey, and that's all I know about it. 
Here comes mother. (Mrs. Haymaker enters L. 2 e. with 
wraps which they prit on.) 

Mrs. Hay. My conscience almost smites me for going 
away and leaving him in such a ridiculous position. 

Rich. The man who cannot stand a practical joke should 
never make one. It will do him good. Then, again, it 
places me in a position to claim your daughter upon honor- 
able terms. Come, let us go. We will remove our disguises 
when we have a better opportunity. 

MiN. I wish I could hide and see him when he awakes. 

Mrs. Hay. Well, you can't, so follow Richard. John is 
coming out from under the influence of the drug now. Hurry 
along. (Richard exit r. c. back, followed by Minnie a7id 
Mrs. Haymaker. Pause; music.) 

Hay. {moves iineasily for a moment, m^itters to himself 
and finally begitis to slowly talk). It's purty durned evi- 
dent tu me that — that all men originated frum one, an' — 
an' the same parental stem; but jest why one man should 
pan out black an' another yaller, an' why one man should 
talk Dutch an' another Chinese, I don't quite understand. 
Why, look a-here, yengster {lifting himself tip and talking 
to face upon table, at the sa?ne time gesticulating with his 
hands) \ if the biblical theory, which states that man got 
mixed up at the temple of Jupiter Belus, is true, why — 
{Pauses and looks steadily at face on table.) What are ye 
grinnin' at? Don't ye put eny stock in thet biblical theory? 
(^Looks at face steadily, then rubs Jiis eyes and looks again.) 
Skowhegan plunket! {Shades his eyes with one hand, and 



THE GRAiSIGER. ^I 

stares at face and frame above it.) What in thunder's all 
that! {Reads.) "The Granf^er, or Caught in His Own 
Trap." What does that mean ? {Looks around bewildered.) 
Why, what the devil! {Starts to his feet and falls back 
dragging table, lounge, etc., after him. Starts u^p and falls 
back again. Tries to kick himself free, and discovers traps.) 
Here! what's all this? {Holds tip feet ajid looks at them.) 
By the gods, I'm in traps! {Clutching excitedly at his 
pockets.) My traps, too. Caught in my own traps \ {Snap- 
ping them off and springing to his feet.) Has John Hay- 
maker been swindled .'' No — no — no ! I won't have it so. 
{Grabbing for his pockets.) Where the divel are my pock- 
ets ? {Looking at coat.) Hey ! wrong side out ? Curse ' 
it! Come off here. {Takes off coat, finds pockets wrofig 
side out, and ?noney gone.) Great God! I've been robbed. 
It's a fact, I've been robbed! {Racing arou7id stage ex- 
cited.) It's a put-up job ; they were hired — those young- 
sters were hired to trap me. I've been drugged — I — John 
Haymaker, have been drugged and robbed. I've been swin- 
dled by swindlers. {Kickiftg over chairs, etc., in his rage.) 
What a fool ! What an old fool ! What a consummate 

OLD FOOL ! 

Police, {appearing in doorway, bowing and scraping). 
Arrah, there ! what in the divil are yeez a-doing ? 

Hay. {catcJiina jip chair and starting for hi7n). You are 
not wanted. Get out of here ! 

Police, {drawing two revolvers and pointing at Hay- 
maker). Back wid ye ! Back wid ye, and listen to rayson ! 
Back wid ye, I say. 

Hay. (retreating). I've been cheated — robbed of twenty 
thousand dollars. 

Police. Begorra ! I'm glad of it. 

Hay. {starting forward). Hey? 

Police. Back wid ye ! (Haymaker stops.) .The man 
who tempts the dog to bite, and is bitten, is not to be pitied. 

Hay. I've travelled, sir, know all their ropes, and con- 
sider myself above being bitten. 

Police. Begorra ! yeez have been, it sames, and badly, 
too. Niver shake money under the nose of a thief, if you 
want to kape it. Remember that. 

Hay. Well, what's to be done ? What action would you 
advise me to take in the matter ? 

Police. Go home and put your head to soak. Whin you 
foind out that you're an ould fool, you'll know more than you 
do now, and act wiser, 



52 tHE GkANGER. 

Hay. {lifting chaii-). Such language to me ? Me, John 
Haymaker. I'll not stand it, sir. {Starts forward.) 

Police, {pointing revolvers at Haymaker). Back wid 
ye! I'm a policeman, sor. Don't you take a step furder. 

{Picture. Haymaker tiear l. h. c. with uplifted chair j 
Policeman r. c. back with two revolvers pointed at 
Haymaker.) 

CURTAIN. 



THE GRANGER. 53 



ACT III. 

Scene i. — Country Highway. As curtain rises Caleb 
Johnson is discovered. 

Caleb. If eny man wus ever born with a cloud of ill-luck 
a-hangin' over them, I'm purty sartin it's me. Jest got my 
barn newly shingled, an' tu weeks ago a clap o' thunder 
knocked it all into slivereens, an' yesterday a dose o' bed- 
bug pizen for saltpetre sent my last farrer cow intu kingdom 
cum in jest about twenty seconds. The next thing, I s'pose, 
will be an airthquake a-shakin' Mt. Washington, an' a-dumpin' 
it down intu my cornfield. Purty good investment, though, 
if it landed jest right. {Looking off K.) Hello! who's that 
a-comin' up the road ? Looks a leetle like Haymaker ; but 
that ain't possible, 'cause John don't dress like that around 
here, an' then agin, it ain't liis nater tu walk an' carry a 
valise when he kin ride. Should think by the way he trav- 
elled that he'd been stung by a hornet. {Shading his eyes 
and looking off.) I van ! that is Haymaker, sura's you're 
born. What under the sun kin hev taken place tu make him 
walk like that .'' {Enter Haymaker with valise. He is 
dressed as in last scene only minus the wig. One pant-leg 
extremely short. He looks dusty and travel-staified.) 
Hello, Haymaker! hed eny trouble? 

Hay. {hurfying across stage l.). None of your business. 

Caleb. W-w-why, sartin it ain't ; but I thought ez how 
it wus only jest neighborly tu ask. Kin I inquire if you've 
hed eny bad luck ? 

Hay. No, sir, you can't. You needn't ask anything 
about it. It's none of your business. 

Ca'le.b {conf7(sed). Why — er — er — course it ain't; but 
— er — look a-here, John, what makes you so pesky cranky ? 
I wasn't a-tryin' tu harrer your feelin's, not by a long shot, 
I wasn't. 

Hay. Then hold your tongue. Can't meet a man, can 
you, without asking what has happened ? There hasn't any- 
thing happened, I tell you. Then, supposing there has ; 
what are you going to. do about it ? 



54 THE GRANGER. 

Caleb {more confused). Why — er — nuthin', I s'pose, 
or — er — that is — nuthin' ez I knows on. Didn't intend tu 
du nuthin' when I asked you. I kinder wanted tu add, 
though; that is — er — I did want tu add. that I'd been 
studyin' that theory o' evolution — 

W.w. {starting toward him with itplif ted valise). Shut 
right up. You mention evolution to me again, and I'll 
pummel your old carcass all over the farm. I won't hear it, 
I tell you. {Starts off L.) You're an old meddlesome, 
wizzled, knock-kneed, and dried-up jackass. {Exit l. i e.) 

Caleb {stajiding for several moments without moving, 
and gazing after Haymaker). Wa'all, I swow ! I'll be 
blowed if 1 ever seed John like thet afore. Things hev gone 
crosswise somicwheres, thet's purty sartin. Now, ez John 
an' I are old neighbors, an' ez he didn't mean haff ez he wus 
a-sayin', I kinder guess I'll jog along over tu the house an' 
find out what's the trouble. 'Twouldn't be no more nor 
neighborly, anyhow. {Crosses and exit L. i e.) 

Scene 'changes to 

Scene 2. — Room in Haymaker's hoiise same as in Act I., 
Scene 2,- Miti'ni'E seated near window. Mrs. Haymaker 
seated R. and Isaac l. 

Isaac. Well, Minnie, didst thee and Richard startle the 
Hub with thy zinging and fine acting ? 

MiN. I guess we did. If you could have seen the pennies 
roll in you would have thought so, too. We intend to follow 
it as a profession. 

Isaac. What! zinging on the street? Zure, now — wi' 
no offence to thee when I zay it — that do be a higher ambi- 
tion than I did credit thee with possessing. 

MiN. Why, Isaac, you know I always possessed a lofty 
ambition. Something way up. I intend to be great some 
time. A Nilsson, or Patti, or something like them. 

Isaac. Large peas zeldom grow upon small vines ; which 
means — Drabbit it ! thee can consider the meaning thine 
own zelf. 

MiN. Umph ! that proverb don't hit my case at all. Here 
are some that come nearer. Little bombs make more noise 
than big guns. Small flowers yield the sweetest nectar. 
Great trees grow from little seeds. The v.ren 'mong song 
birds is weak and small ; but sings the loudest and best of 
all. I am little ; but — oh, my! Can't I make the powder 
fly. Isaac, how is that for high ? {S^iappiiig her fingers.) 



THE GRANGER, 55 

Isaac. Well, well, thee do prattle like a guinea hen. 
Dash it ! zee man who treads on a hoop disdainfully zoon 
knows it ; and he who be blind and hurls the boomerang be 
domned apt to zee — stars. I be done fooling wi' edged 
tools like to thyzel ; I be, for zartain. What I do want to 
know be the question as to how thee did zuczeed in Boston ? 

MiN. Well, Isaac, we succeeded splendidly. . Everything 
worked just as we wanted it to. We left father dreaming he 
was an angel, and I brought home this piece of pant-leg to 
convince him that he isn't. {Showing it.) That makes me 
think; shouldn't father have come home on the express 
to-day ? 

Mrs. Hay. He should if everything has worked favor- 
ably. If he don't come, I shall feel exceedingly nervous. 
You are positive that the policeman would not forget to visit 
him .'' 

MiN. Oh, yes ; Richard had it all arranged beforehand. 
I am sure he will be here, unless he feels too ashamed to 
come. 

Isaac. The shame be not wi' the robbed zo much as wi' 
the robbers. Doan't thee knaw that, my lady ? 

MiN. Well, father v/as so proud, and so positive he 
couldn't be outwitted, that it will work him all up. In order 
not to be seen he may wait for the night train. The police- 
man said, though, that he would advise him to return at 
once. 

Mrs. Hay. Yes ; but your father is a man who acts upon 
his own judgment exclusively. He wouldn't lose twenty 
thousand dollars without making some effort to find it. Pos- 
sibly, on account of urgent business which needs attending 
to, he may report the case to headquarters, and then return 
home ; but it will not be to remain. 

MiN. Well, all we ask for, at least, all I ask for, is just 
for him to return now. 

Rich, {entering c. door). And he has. I saw him step 
off the train at the station, and then, in order to get here 
first, I took a short cut over the hills. {Laughing.') You 
should have seen him. He sneaked off the rear car like 
some culprit, and disappeared behind the depot sheds hke a 
shot. 

MiN, Did he have on the same clothes ? 

Rich. The very same. He don't want to be seen, and 
therefore will probably take the same route that I did. I 
hurried, and so got here first. 

Mrs. Hay. Then he will be here shortly. You had bet- 
ter not be seen when he arrives. 



56 THE GRANGER. 

Rich. No ; I wiU remain concealed until the storm is 
over ; then, if everything is favorable, will step out and claim 
my reward. 

MiN. Supposing the reward refuses to be claimed, 
Richard ? 

Rich. Then I shall do like a defeated pugilist in the 
ring, — throw up the sponge and call myself whipped. 

MiN. Well, don't throw it up until after father arrives. I 
can hardly wait to see how he will act. Won't it be comical ? 

Isaac. The man as loses money be not apt to be in a 
comical mood. Thee hadst better be wary wi' thy tongue 
and act clever ; doan't thee think zo ? 

MiN. Oh ! I shall be careful ; as Richard says, I shall 
wait until the storm is over. After everything has been ex- 
plained, I think he will enjoy the joke with the rest. I will 
watch for him. ( Turns and looks out of window.') 

Rich. Well, if he don't appreciate it, I shall be up a tree, 
that's all. He will smile, though, when you return him that 
money — he can't help it. 

MiN. Smile, yes; way back behind his ears. O my! 
there is father coming now. Why, he is climbing over the 
pasture fence. Now he is taking the path that leads around 
behind the barn. What is he doing that for .'' {^All go and 
look out of window.') 

Mrs. Hay. He is most likely trying to get into the house 
by the back way without being seen. 

MiN. That would spoil all the fun. The doors must be 
fastened. 

Isaac. That do be done already. 

MiN. Then he will have to enter this way, or not at all. 
Where shall we put Richard ? 

Mrs. Hay. In the closet for the present, 1 think. When 
he thinks it safe to come out he can do so. 

MiN. I will put him in myself. {Runs across room to 
L. 3 E., and opens door.) Come, Richard, you are sentenced 
for two years. 

Rich. If that is all, I am contented. If for life, what 
then? 

MiN. We would make father commute the sentence. 
Come! hurry up. {'RiCHk.KH enters closet.) Now, keep out 
of the jam, and don't try to escape. 

Rich. The man who is in prison is not apt to make any 
promises. 

MiN. You have made one in the past that I know of, and 
you had better keep it, too. {Shuts door.) Well, now that 
father has come, I feel of a flutter, 



THE GRANGER. 57 

Isaac. Zomething like the bird as do be shaking the dust 
from its feathers. 

MiN. Yes; era dog the raindrops from its hide. Oh! 
I'm ready for you, Isaac. Hark ! I hear a step. {Runs to 
window a7id sits down. Mrs. Haymaker takes book frofn 
stand and returns to seat.) 

Isaac. Drabbit it! then it do be more healthy vor I to 
be attending to business. {Goes to dusting chairs, etc. 
Music.) 

{Door slowly opens, and Haymaker's head appears. 
Seeing the occupants of the room he attempts to draw back.) 

MiN. {perceiving him). Oil ! there's father. {Runs and 
throws door wide open. Haymaker seen standing itt door- 
way.) Now, father — Why, mother, look here; father has 
come home in his Granger clothes ! 

Mrs. Hay. {evincing stoprise). For mercy's sake, John, 
what did you do that for ? 

Hay. {entering house and trying to cover up short paitt- 
leg with valise). Got a right to, haven't I ? Nobody's 
business, is it, what John Haymaker dresses in ? 

Mrs. Hay. No ; only if you are going to appear ridicu- 
lous, do it away from home, among strangers. You never 
wore that suit home from Boston before, that I know of 
What possessed you to do so at the present time ? 

Hay. For a change. The world is full of changes, you 
know. Too many of them. {Crosses to R. 3 E.) Where is 
my black suit ? 

Mrs. Hay. In the bedroom. Why don't you put on the 
suit in the valise — the one you wore away ? 

Hay. {snappishly). Had I wanted the suit in the valise, 
I could have put it on, couldn't I ? I know what I want, 
don't I ? I want the black suit. 

Mrs. Hay. You haven't come home very good-natured, 
I should judge. Haven't been having any bad luck, have 
you ? 

Hay. {advancing front). Look here, Mrs. Haymaker, 
it isn't always policy to know the truth. You are too in- 
quisitive altogether. Would it benefit you to know that 1 
had encountered trouble? If you want happiness, keep 
trouble in ignorance. Good advice, isn't \\.t {Turns to 
R. 3 E.) 

Min. {pointittg to Haymaker's legs). O father ! what is 
the matter with your trousers? One leg is shorter than the 
other, and looks as if it had been cut off. 

Hay. (turning back again). Minnie, you are more inquisi- 



58 THE GRANGER. 

tive than your mother. A good Granger always wears one 
pant-leg shorter than the other. Didn't you know that .'' 

MiN. What for ? 

Hay. To represent shortage. Most farmers are always 
short, you know. {Ttirns to r. again.') 

Isaac. I do be going to wear both trousers legs short in 
the future, that's vor zartain. 

Mrs. Hay. John, something has gone wrong with you. 
I can see it in your face. You have not only come home 
ahead of your time, but have taken occasion to walk when 
you always ride, and not only that, you undertook to steal in 
by the back way unobserved. I know it, because I saw you. 
Now what is the reason } 

Hay. {drags chair to c, sits down, and places valise across 
his knees'). Mrs. Haymaker, if you will persist in learning 
the plain and sober facts, I shall endeavor to render them to 
the best of my ability. Remember, though, "Where igno- 
rance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise ; " and the woman who 
out of curiosity opens a secret trap, is apt to be frightened 
by rats. (^Mopping his brow with handkerchief.) Are you 
prepared to listen '^. 

Mrs. Hay. I am prepared for any explanation you are 
willing to render. 

MiN. Tell us all about the fun you had, and how you 
played it on them with the traps. (Isaac leans over back 
of chair L., listening.) 

Hay. {moving laieasily). Yes ; I will — I will. The boy 
whose Fourth of July racket wound up with knocks and 
bruises, one eye out, and three fingers splintered, had lots of 
fun. Did you say you were ready to listen 1 

Mrs. Hay. Why, certainly. 

Mm. Yes — yes. 

Hay. {shiftifig 07te leg over the other). Well, now, look 
here ; you wouldn't consider that a shrewd business man who 
had handled money for over forty years without an error, 
and who should finally make one, was in his dotage, would 
you ? Wouldn't consider him to be sliding back into his 
second childhood, eh ? 

Mrs. Hay. Everybody is subjected more or less to errors 
and mistakes. 

Hay. Wouldn't consider that a train despatcher knew any 
less, who had despatched trains with the precision of clock- 
work for half of his life, because he finally run two engines 
together? Wouldn't be unfit for business, would he, and 
incapable of holding future office ? 

Mrs, Hay. I should consider that the accident would 
only lead him to be the more cautious in the future. 



THE GRANGER. 59 

Hay. {mopping his brow with handkerchief, and shifting 
legs). Why, look here ; we send our most intelligent men 
to Congress to enact laws that shall be beneficial to a 
nation's welfare ; but even then, mistakes are made that 
have to be rectified in the future. Pieces of silver have 
passed through our national mint, under the most observant 
eyes, and come out stamped alike on both sides. Wouldn't 
think the men who made them, or who framed our laws, v/ere 
fools, or growing foolish, would you ? 

Mrs. Hay. I certainly should not. 

Hay. Now, here is the point. I have made the workings 
of crooks a special study. Gold-brick swindlers, pickpockets, 
confidence men, hotel and house sneaks, burglars, penny- 
weighters, shoplifters, panel-game workers, counterfeiters, 
and disciples of the badger game, are as familiar to me as 
the tricks of wild cattle. I know all of their cues, and con- 
sider myself above being caught; but because I have been 
caught, does it signify that John Haymaker is demented, or is 
not posted in the ways of blacklegs ? 

MiN. You haven't been robbed, have you, father? 

Mrs. Hay. John, is it possible? Have you been out- 
witted at last ? I told you how it would happen. 

Hay. {slingi7ig valise across stage R., and nioppino his 
brow with handkerchief). Of course you did. I knew that 
would come next. Never knew any one to have trouble 
but " I told you so," would be shouted by somebody. I 
haven't been outwitted. They can't outwit John Haymaker, 
I tell you; but in a moment of weakness, a — a — moment 
of damnable blanked idiocy, I have lost twenty thousand 
dollars. There ! the secret's out, so make of it what you 
will, {fumps tip and paces floor.) 

MiN. O my! 

Mrs. Hay. {apparently excited). John, I can't believe 
it. 

Hay. Well, don't. I should feel much easier if you 
wouldn't ; but it is a sad and solemn fact that I have. 

Isaac. You bean't turned around, zomehow — ^zomething 
like a boy lost in the woods, bean't ye, Measter Haymaker ? 

Hay. Do I turn around zo {imitating Isaac as in first 
Act), as you do, you fool, and go to star-gazing ? And 
another thing : make mention of the loss I have sustained 
outside of the family, and I'll knock your infernal head off. 
You understand? 

Isaac. I be dumb, Measter Haymaker — domned duinb 
for the present, vor zartain. {Aside.) It be better vor I to 
talk less, and think more. 



6o THE GRANGER. 

Mrs. Hay. Twenty thousand dollars ! Why, John, it 
will ruin us. Do explain yourself; how did it happen ? 

Hay. {stopping c. r.) Got to pry it all out of me, eh ? 
Pry it all out like a lawyer prying a witness .'' Well, here 
are the main points, and you can fill in to suit yourself. 
Street singers — charity — evolution — tenement house up 
six stories — hot coffee — drugged — insulted and robbed, 
and all done by a jackass of a boy and girl not old enough to 
be without a guardian. 

MiN. {laughing). Ha! ha! ha! 

Hay. What are you laughing at, you huss}' ? 

MiN. To think of my father, with all his cunning, being 
robbed by a boy and a girl. It is too comical for anything. 
{Laughs?) 

Hay. {walking the floor~). Yes, it is mighty comical 
Had I been beaten by sharpers, I could have derived some 
comfort in the thought ; but to think that I. John Haymaker, 
a self-made man, with money in bonds, at interest, and in the 
banks, and one of the largest land-owners in the State, who 
is noted for shrewdness and business capacity, should be 
victimized by babes, is humiliating in the extreme. 

Mrs. Hay. Well, John, however much we regret the 
loss, you must admit there was something shrewd in their 
actions, after all. 

Hay. {stopping near c. of room'). Look here! If those 
two children who — yes, I'll say it — who outwitted John 
Haymaker, would come to me and confess, I'd give 'em a 
thousand dollars and a position for life. 1 would, by 
Heaven ! 

Mm. Father, you don't mean it. If such a thing should 
happen, you would annihilate them on the spot. 

Hay. I wouldn't. The one I curse is myself. I admire 
those striplings ; not for the crime they have committed, but 
for being sharp enough to outwit John Haymaker. I say 
I would forgive them, and give them a position for life. 

MiN. Do you hope to die that you would ? 

Hay. Did Haymaker ever tell a lie ? Say ? 

Mm, Not that I know of; but it would be a surprise, 
you know. Supposing I should turn into a magician and 
bring them up before 3'ou, what would 3'ou do.-* 

Hay. Look here, my girl, this affair is too serious for 
trifling. You dont realize the value of twenty thousand 
dollars, or you would not look at the matter so lightly. 

MiN. I know my father is a man of his word, and I am 
going to trust him. I am going to turn into a magician, and 
bring those two children right into this room ; and when you 



THE GRANGER. 6 1 

see them, you must do just as you agreed. Now look out of 
the window, and don't turn around until mother tells you to. 
Will you ? 

Hay. What for ? 

MiN. Because I want you to. 

Mrs. Hay. Do as she wants you to, John, and you will 
not be sorry. 

Hay. (crossing to window C. R.). Oh, yes ; I'll smash 
the whole thing out yi required. Feel just like it. 

(Music. Minnie crosses to closet, opens door, Richard 
emerges, and both exit noiselessly R. 3 e.) 

Mrs. Hay. You can turn aronnd now, John. (John 
turns around.) Now I want you to make me a promise. 
You are going to be surprised; I will tell you that to begin 
with. Promise that, whatever you discover, you will take 
your discomfiture in good part. Say that you will act the 
part of a man. 

Hay. Always did, didn't I ? 

Mrs. Hay. To my certain knowledge you have. Now 
I understand there is an agreement, or bet, between you and 
Richard, which was made before you went to Boston. Is it 
not so ? 

Hay. (turning upon her qiuckly). Hey ? Oh, yes ! the 
youngster had a freak — I had forgotten it — forgotten the 
circumstance entirely. What of it ? 

Mrs. Hay. Oh, nothing! only the one who was beaten 
was to submit willingly to the bargain agreed upon. All I 
ask is, if necessary, you will fulfil the agreement. 

Hay. (turning to Isaac). Isaac, what is she driving at? 
(Isaac shakes his head and points to his mouth to signify 
that he is dumb.') Very well, if you can keep your mouth 
shut for once, it is a good thing. Well, Martha, so long as 
you know all about that little affair with Richard, perhaps it 
is reasonable to suppose that he robbed me. Shall I have 
him arrested ? 

Mrs. Hay. Wait for a few moments, and we will decide. 
Stand where you are, and whatever takes place, submit with 
good grace, and you will not regret it. 

(Music. Richard and Minnie enter R. 3 e. disguised as 
in Act 2. They bow to Haymaker, who stares at them 
in amazemettt, then to the audience, and then advance 
front. They can repeat the bar-room song, or sing another 
as desired. During song Caleb Johnson enters c. d. un- 
observed. When song is ffiished, Richard and Minnie 



62 THE GRANGER, 

turn and bow to Haymakf:r, then stand one R. the other 
L., and await developments. Haymaker paiises a mo- 
ment, then steps forward and pjills off the head-gear from 
the head of each, and steps back.^ 

Hay. {looking first at disguises and then at Minnie and 
Richard). Look here ! are you — you don't mean — 
Thunder and Mars ! you are not pretendino^ to pahn your- 
selves off upon me as the two street singers I saw in 
Boston ? 

Rich. The very same, Mr. Haymaker. 

Hay. Martha, have they been to the city? 

Mrs. Hay. They returned last evening, John. 

Hay. There has been a plot, then. Well, did you and 
my daughter so disguise as to deceive me even in your 
singing .'' 

Rich. It seems that we did, sir. 

Hay. And robbed me in the tenement house ? 

Rich. We took your money, sir, all of which is in the 
possession of Mrs. Haymaker. All stratagems are fair in 
love or war, you know. 

Hay. {looking at theni sharply for a nionient^. I — I 
won't believe it! Curse it, you could never have so deceived 
me. I won't believe it without the proof. 

MiN. I took the proof with me, father. {Throwing him 
piece of pant-leg?) There it is. See if it will fit. 

Mrs. Hay. And here is the twenty thousand dollars safe 
and sound. {Showing the money.') 

Hay. {after a patise, and throwing disguises, etc., over on 
to valise). Well, it's beginning to dawn upon me that I'm 
a confounded old fool. 

Caleb. Sorter been playin' a practical joke upon ye, 
hain't they, Haymaker 1 

Yi PCI. {tJirning around). Hello, Caleb ! you here ? Fol- 
lowed me home to see if I was crazy, eh .-^ 

Caleb. Wa'all, not exactly ; that is, not altogether. 
You see, you wus so sort o' cranky back there in the lane, 
that I thought I'd jest slip over an' see if you'd got onwound 
yet. Reckon, from what I kin obsarve, that you have. 

Hay. Yes, Caleb ; unwound to the last catch. Say ! 
overlook the language I applied to you a short time since. 
It was given under pressure of excitement, and was uncalled 
for. 

Caleb. Oh, that's all right, John. I hain't laid up 
nuthin' agin ye, not a thing. Reckon you've got the wust of 
it, arter all. 



THE GRANGER. 63 

Isaac. Zure if he hasn't, it be not the fault of — {Recol- 
lecting himself .') Drabbit it! I do be dumb and be a-speak- 
ing at the same time. 

Hay. Oh, I am beat and will acknowledge it ; and in an 
entirely original way. {Tiirning to Richard.) Richard, 
when John Haymaker gives his word he will keep it if the 
sky falls. In one sense of the word you have beaten me, and 
I admire you for it. I admit that I thought lightly of your 
proposition, and that it slipped entirely from my mind. I also 
reahze that you accomplished your end through the united 
efforts of my family ; but it only leads me to admire you the 
more, for the remarkable genius you have displayed. If 
Minnie is the prize you are seeking, you can have her, and 
I will add the thousand dollars accordingly as I promised. 

Rich. Thank you, sir ; Minnie is all the prize I ask. 
(^Ciosses to her near R. i E.) 

Hay. I also will add, that, though I still advocate the 
theory of evolution, and am willing to sustain my sentiments 
at all times and places, I hope it will never again serve as 
the principal tool to catch John Haymaker in his own trap. 

position of characters. 

Caleb. 

Mrs. Haymaker. 

Haymaker. 

Richard A^D Minnie. Isaac, 

r. l. 

curtain. 



I 



In the ENEMY'S Gmp; 

OR, THE STOLEN DESPATCHES. 

A Drama in Three Acts, by 
S. J. BROWN. 

Price, -.--..-15 oenta. 

Eight male, two female characters. Good leading part, genteel 
villain, Irish and negro character. Time of playing about two hours. 
While not distinctively a war-play its incidents are concerned with im- 
aginary events of the Rebellion, and it is not unsuited to the needs of 
Grand Army Posts. Scenery, simple interiors and landscape drops, 
very easy camp scene. 

SYNOPSIS. 

ACT I. Capt. Oliphant's home in the North. An unfinished honey- 
moon. The call of duty. A wife's anguish. " My hand girt on 
the sword that will be raised against my father ! " The rebel spy. 
The Stolen Despatches, "He is Madge's father! Rather 
a thousand times my own disgrace, than be his executioner," The 
penalty of silence. Disgraced. 

ACT II. Scene I. Irish and negro. Colored dentistry. Scene IL 
The prison. A little story over a bottle of wine. "I understand. 
Good bye, old friend, and may Heaven bless you." The Escape. 
A shot in the dark. " Now, my lady Madge, by fair or foul means 
you must be mine." Scene III. Dead to the world. A wife's 
devotion. " I must bear it all for Malcolm's sake." A warning. 
" There is peril everywhere for friends of rebels." A false knave. 
"To remain is certain death 1" To the Rescue. 

ACT III. Scene I. The camp. "If I could only hear from Madge!" 
The flower girl. The price of a passport. " I pay it, but to only 
one." Husband and wife. " What is this woman to you ? " A 
conundrum whose answer is death. " For the love of Heaven, get 
me the pass ! " The Deserter. Scene II. The villain's suit 
renewed. " Why not ; your husband no longer lives." The lie in 
his teeth. Misunderstood. " Can you not trust your wife .' " Re- 
captured, Scene III. Sentenced to Death. "You will 
sometime know that Malcolm Oliphant died for another's crime — 
true to the Union — true to the last." A Reprieve. The spy's 
death. " We have plotted together and die together." Reunited. 

Walter H. Baker & Co., 23 Winter St., Boston. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 





A NEW IRISH DR. ~~-~--^^^ 



SHAMROCK t^^ ROSE, 

A Romantic Story of Irish Life during the Rebellion 
of '98, in four acts. 

By JOHN FITZGERALD MURPHY. 

Seven male and three female characters. Costumes and scenery not diffi- 
cult. Every part a good one. A sure hit. Printed as played under .„ 
the author's personal direction, at the Dudley St. Opera House, i 
Boston, St. John's Hall, Boston, and the Newport Opera House. 

sir2xroi»s2:s. 

_ Act, I. Scene, Squire Fitzgerald's Home, in Wicklow. Rose's story of Desmond's 
arrival. Shaun Gary hears a bit of valuable news. Barney O'Brady meets an unexpected 
visitor and shows him the door. Ileen and Barney. The Fugitive. The arrival of the 
soldiers. Capt. Beck quarrels with the Squire. The defence. The murder. Thb Arrbst. 

Act. 1 1. Scetie / : A Landscape. Cai-y and the Captain plot the abduction of Rose. 
Douglass' dilemma 'twixtlove and duty. .Scifwir //: The Prison. Barney's cell. Hot Irish 
in a stone jug. A friend in need. The red coat. Seem III : Rose receives a f.ilse message. 
Scenif JV: Desmond's cell. The Death Warrant. Celt and Saxon. Barney a guard. 
The death knell. The Escape. 

Act III. Scene I : O'Byrnes' Wood. The purty girl milking her cow. Barney pro- 
poses to Ileen. Desmond hears bad news. Barney, in the guise of a soldier, gets important 
information from Gary. Scene II : Exterior of Beck's Gastle by moonlight. Rose a Cap- 
tive. Barney brings good news. The proposal and refusal. The ass kicks. The false 
captive. The Rescue. 

Act IV. Scene: Corrigmor at Sunrise. Shaun Gary a captive. The arrival of Nano 
and Ileen. Tracked by Beck. Nano keeps Beck at Bay. The duel. Gary's shot. Beck's 
death. The " Shamrock and Rose." 



Price 



CS cents. 



Incidental to this piece occur the following new songs by Messrs. R. 
W. Lanigan and Leo. A. Munier, entitled 

SHAMROCK AND ROSE. MY IRISH QUEEN. 

MA BOUCHALEEN BAWN. 

The three published together at 60 cents ; obtainable only of the publishers. 



For other novelties see the preceding page. 

Walter H. Baker & Co., 23 Winter St., Boston. 

g. J. rARKHILL ft CO., rRINTEKS, 222. FRANKLIN ST., 803TOH. 



